When will it happen? When will I have that “I don’t care what anyone thinks” attitude? I can verify, the older I become, the less I care. But I have not reached that point yet.
Deep inside, I am still very insecure. I am still the little girl on the playground, hoping someone picks me to play house or be their best friend. As I walk around my office, I am acutely aware of my flaws – my tummy, my lopsided smile/eyes (thanks Bells Palsy), the errors I make.
Before I state my opinion, I phrase it in a way that will be the least likely to create disagreement and very quickly change my stance if someone questions it.
I thought 30-year-olds had more confidence! Where is mine?
I know my strengths. Logically, I know my ideas have value and I ought to stand up for myself. The only problem is, I don’t do it. I would rather have people like me than not. I hate risking their esteem and would rather acquiesce.
It is the same with everything – my fashion, my opinions. I do not stand up for what I think because I just want to keep the peace.
Of course, this part of me is really a huge strength. If you think about it, I am a peace keeper, a mediator. I am a professional “jets cooler.” I can take a huge argument and create understanding. I can see all sides of a dispute, communicate the feelings and thoughts to everyone involved and create a solution.
But dang, someone give me some gumption! Not that I want to start to swing over in to selfishness. Just empowerment!