It infuriates me when a mother is made to feel like she is making decisions that will harm her child when she is doing all that is in her power to love, care for and nurture it. It also wrenches my gut when overwhelmed, brand new mothers are given outdated and worthless information that only leads to discouragement and eventually giving up on breastfeeding.
The current movement has been “breast is best” but I think it needs to be changed. Instead of ramming the benefits of breastfeeding down a new mom’s throat we need to have a gentler approach and instead focus on the support that is out there for new moms who want to breastfeed.
Breastfeeding is best – it is healthier for the baby and helps prevent breast cancer in the mom – but with ignorant nurses and friends and unsupportive employers it is darned near impossible for those who run into problems to succeed long term.
Imagine if you will, a very common scenario:
The days leading up to the birth of the baby are so exciting. Every little twinge takes your breath away as you wonder if the baby is going to make her appearance in the next day! You can’t wait to hold the tiny toes in your hand and wrap those tiny fingers around yours. Birth can be an exhausting ordeal, but it is so worth it when you hold that miracle in your arms. Then you bring her to your breast, and OUCH! The fairy tale is ruined by a horrible pain. First you can’t position this wobbly and fragile baby, then when you finally do get her mouth to line up with your breast you experience awful pain, not a magical calm like you have read in books! The nurses are saying “Oh that pain is normal. Gotta toughen those nipples up!” So you grit your teeth, doing what is “best” for the baby. Well meaning family and friends see you in pain and say “why don’t you let me feed her a bottle while you take a break? You need to rest.” You start to feel guilty cause breastfeeding is the most natural thing right? Why must it be painful? If it is going to be painful and a bottle is so much easier then why not go that way?
I have heard lots of stories from many mothers whose deep cry is “I know I want what is best for the baby, but where is the support for what is best for me?” Breastfeeding is painful, yes it is. Now the physical pain is not normal – it means there is a bad latch and fixing how the baby is positioned will most likely ease the pain. But other types of pain come with the breastfeeding decision. You might feel judgment from other mothers if you choose formula or judgment from family or employers if you choose to breastfeed.This should not be the case.
I have experienced such a beautiful bond with my children through our breastfeeding relationship, but there were times of fear and huge amounts of doubt. Those first few weeks after the baby is born is so emotional. Maybe it was the hormones but I went from so happy to exhausted and worried in the same day. Breastfed babies will nurse very frequently and this brings up the fearful questions, “Am I producing enough milk?” Lack of correct information and support for that mom – letting her know her worries are a wonderful sign of her motherly instincts but that newborns nurse frequently to establish a good milk supply – can lead to a mother supplement with formula and this might lead to a decrease in milk supply.
We need to focus on supporting new moms and making sure correct information is being given in hospitals. But the support is my main concern today. If she experiences physical pain or discouragement from family, friends and/or employers she needs someone to turn to for support. I know my local La Leche League was fantastic for me when I was ready to give up. They did not judge and gave me solid info from studies and books to read. But I also think that moms in other parenting groups need to be supportive and offer an understanding ear and correct advice. Please stop with smug answers that can accidentally hurt a mother’s feelings, those are so unproductive.
The pain of breastfeeding should be temporary and healed quickly with knowledge and the friendship of other mothers who have been there. We all have been there.
What a brilliantly written post!! I agree with you 100%. Breastfeeding is hard, but worth EVERY ounce of work in the end. I regretfully couldn’t breastfeed my girls as long as I would have liked, but, I did what I could. ((HUGS))
Very well said!
I nursed all three of my kids exclusively for anywhere from 12 mos to 2 plus years. Each kid has been different. But I agree with you. New moms especially need help and correct info. When I told my PED (whom I love) that I intended to exclusively breastfeed twins, he told me that I shouldn’t be surprised if I fall short. I asked him if he really believed that. And he said it helps some moms who don’t make it for the long haul if he “warns” them ahead of time. I think it just plants seeds of doubt!
I couldn’t agree more! Some doctors and nurses are so well meaning but their information can be discouraging. My mom works in a small town hospital and she overheard a 50some year old nurse telling a new mom “well you can always rub sandpaper on your nipples, that will toughen them up so they will be less painful!”
After the nurse left she gave this young mom the numbers for a La Leche League since there was no lactation consultant in that hospital.
Breastfeeding itself has been so easy for my son and I, I feel so lucky about that. However I seem to find opposition right and left from family members and even our own pediatrician! I completely agree that women need more support and gentle encouragement, a few nice words can go a long way!
The hospital’s job, like it or not, is to get you out of their place in 2 days (or 4 for a c section). If they have to pump you to use formula (through manipulation), then they probably will. It may not be intentional, but that is their job, because they will get pd from insurance companies for those 2 days, but longer is harder to get a guaranteed check. Trust me, if we do end up pg again, I’m kicking the nurses out of the room if they even mention formula to me.
Oh it’s VERY true. With Hunter no lacataion consulent came by at the hospital I gave birth in. He was my first. I was 21. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I ended up going home and pumping and giving him a bottle for 3 weeks because I was afraid he wasn’t gaining and they would take him away. With help from LLL I got him on the breast and nursed him for over 2 years. But where was that support in the hospital??
With Landon my second I of course was a pro by than. Only stopped nursing for a few months and gave birth to him at a different hospital. Lactation people came to me MULTIPLE times to see how I was doing even though they were calling me a pro already.
The difference was just amazing on the kind of support you can get at different hospitals. There needs to be some kind of standard set up throughout the country for breastfeeding support. Hopefully one day their will be.
I feel very fortunate that the hospital where both my daughters were born has a lactation department. They give you a packet w/ their numbers and the Le Leche League numbers when you are discharged, and they call once a month to check up on you. My pediatrician is also wonderful and knowledgeable. He is one of the biggest supporters of breastfeeding.
amen to that
breastfeeding does not always come naturally for many mothers and babies I was very fortunate to have a baby that knew what he was doing and my 2nd needed a bit of help, but after an enjoyable and successful time with my 1st I preserved and it sorted out quickly, I have just finished a breastfeeding peer support training to support other breastfeeding mums, I believe that it should be the mothers choice but that it should be an informed choice, in the UK there is now more support available and employers should have facilities to allow a mother to return to work and breast feed extra breaks for feeding or expressing are available with many company’s please do not feel you are alone, and ask for help if you need it.
My 1st had trouble latching and lost ‘too much’ weight (according to the hospital staff) and kinda pressured me into supplementing with formula while we worked on the latch and even sent me home with some formula! Well I was darn determined to breastfeed and did NOT use that formula when I got home and ended up nursing for 13mos. I even had a lactation consultant come in to help with breastfeeding and they too would use the formula to tease my baby to open her mouth to latch. I don’t think they were anti-breastfeeding but they sure weren’t that ‘pro’ either. I wonder how many moms ended up FF feeding just because they didn’t get the support there at the hospital. 🙁
Great post, Annie.
My son had a horribly shallow latch and it was excruciatingly painful for weeks. I kept trying to get help from the lactation consultants, but it never worked. Even with them “correcting” his latch, it was still the most painful thing EVER.
After about 3 weeks, my body got used to the pain and my toes didn’t curl anymore when he latched on.
I was determined to nurse, so I kept at it. . . and grew to love it (after the pain went away).
Sigh . . THEN. . . he got his first two teeth at 12 FREAKIN’ WEEKS!
I had a whole new pain to deal with.