I am preparing for a baby shower type of review and giveaway event and in the process I emailed quite a few companies. I was always very honest about this being my 3rd c-section. One company rep responded with, “I wish you a painless and beautiful birth.”
At first I was offended (thanks pregnancy hormones!). I mean, to me a c-section is never painless or beautiful. But then I started to talk to some good friends who all reminded me that it doesn’t matter how a baby is born, it is always beautiful and miraculous.
Is it?
When I was pregnant with Lizzie I was uneducated about childbirth and was completely happy with whatever my doctor said. She mentioned inducing 2 days past my due date and I smiled and got excited. When we found out she was breech I smiled and accepted the c-section.
But then I started to read lots of books, watch “The Business of Being Born” and talk to lots of other women. I learned that vaginal birth after cesareans (VBACs) were safer than c-sections and that is when my dreaming of a beautiful (albeit painful) natural birth started to take flight. I drove 45 minutes to my nearest birth center and had midwives over see my prenatal care.
I began to talk even more with women who had home births with midwives present and every birth story I read I wondered how mine would turn out. I wanted to hold him directly after, to feel amazing after the birth, not recovering from major surgery!
As it turned out, my water broke and I labored for 36 hrs. Then my contractions stopped. I was only dialated 3cm. I was disappointed and felt like my body failed me. I have not been able to read another birth story without feeling pangs of jealousy and regret.
But as I look back at the moment I first saw David, I was not thinking of how he got there. All I was thinking about was, “does he have his dad’s eyes?” I heard my midwife (who was allowed in the room with me) exclaim, “oh yes, look, he is sucking on Daddy’s finger. He will be ready to nurse right away!” I held him and couldn’t stop staring.
It wasn’t for a couple weeks later that I started to regret the surgery and wish for a natural birth again. It wasn’t until I started to read more natural birth stores of joy and triumph that I felt disappointed in my own body.
It was not the natural birth advocate’s fault. They did not make me feel guilty. It was my own.
My thinking was flawed.
Just because I had a c-section did not make the birth any less magical. Those first few moments when you lay your eyes on the precious baby are what every mom – including me – need to focus on and cherish.
Baby girl is going to be born in December via c-section. I can’t wait to meet her! And yes, the birth will be beautiful. I will go into the surgery knowing that God is watching and will care for me no matter the outcome . Now that I have wisdom behind me I will make this birth lovely and the recovery smoother.
I need a like button. A lot of my own negative feelings about my daughter’s birth came from desiring a natural birth so bad–having heard my own mom proclaim about her labors and how women choosing C sections just couldn’t deal with the pain–however I had no choice, and I am pretty sure she was disappointed in me, because she didn’t realize for weeks that I HAD no choice… (3 weeks early, water broke, forced induction –pitocin is the devil–28 hours labor/4 of that pushing, just to find out she was upside down and couldn’t come out. They tried turning to no avail, when the doctor FINALLY got there–my own doctor took ONE vacation day and it happened to be when I was in to give birth. Needless to say, after 28 hours (and I’d already been up the whole day before, as my water broke at 8 pm) — well, I’m sure you know how that went. I was still stubborn as heck but the doctor said because of her position there was NO way she was coming out naturally. Feeling like you failed is only natural I think if it comes from having #1 no choice or #2 judgmental people around you. I had both. Not that my mom didn’t care or whatever, she just didn’t know that you COULD be forced into a C section because of early birth/position of child. All of us were turned the right way, I suppose. While surgery might not be the most beautiful thing, the only other option for me was for one or both of us to die. I’m sure you can see why I made the ‘choice’ that I did. I’ll be thinking of you when it happens. Take care and get some rest before then. It’s going to be a beautiful, bumpy, wonderful ride!
Thank you so much Jill!! You are right, when we set up this ideal birth in our minds and then it doesn’t go that way, we feel hugely disappointed. Thank you for sharing your story, it means so much to me to know that I am not the only one that tried and tried a natural birth but had to have a c-section.
In both my cases a c-section was very needed. What would have happened way back in the day with Lizzie being breech? OUCH is all I can say! Ouch and danger. Scary stuff!!
I have also felt those emotions. Especially after my c-section. I too felt my body had failed me and I admit it took awhile to get over it. Thanks for sharing your story!
Yes, it has taken me 17 months to get over mine. This was the last part, admitting that I did have a beautiful birth. I had to treasure my birth experience instead of being ashamed of it or feeling like I have to defend it.
Man, birth is emotional isn’t it? WOW!!
This is so true. I will be praying for a smooth c-section and recovery. It will be a beautiful birth.
Thank you Sarah! I will appreciate your prayers. I believe God will be with me in the surgery room, he will hear your prayers and I appreciate all my friends that pray for me!
I’ve been to *hundreds* of births of all types… home, hospital, birth center, waterbirths, outside and more. I even had an unassisted birth (nearly lost my daughter because of it, too).
I really, really, really don’t think I have ever heard ANY woman *not* say, “I wish I could have done [fill in the blank]” or “Awww, I should have [fill in the blank].” And I mean mamas who had babies in front of fireplaces on a bearskin rug with their partner catching and the midwife quietly in the corner. Even women like that have regrets or wish they could have changed something.
I try and let women know this, even ahead of time, so they can embrace their “what if” side afterwards. Our culture plays the “what if” game a *lot* because we are so blessed with so many choices. I hardly think women birthing in Haiti right now are terribly concerned with whether they had the right music on at their babies’ births.
A live and healthy mom and baby are the sobering desire for women around the world. The rest, while really important, is gravy.
This comment was the soothing balm my wounded heart needed!!! Thank you so much! For some reason I felt like I was being looked down upon from midwives and pro-natural birth mamas. It was all in my head, but reading this comment just warmed my heart.
And I had no idea that a woman with a natural birth with a healthy baby could have regrets. I could have had such a worse story and you reminded me of this! Thank you again!!
My body failed me in my first birth. While I did go on to have successful VBACs after that, it happens, C-sections are necessary and don’t make the birth of a child any less special, just harder to recover from.
Much love and hugs to you, sweetheart <3
Thank you Lisa! Yes, it will be an interesting recovery. You can pray it goes smoothly and fast!
I totally know what you mean. I remember feeling like a bit of a failure with Chandler after being induced at 41 weeks, laboring in the hospital and then being c-sectioned after 22 hours of labor. He was too, big, wouldn’t descend, and I couldn’t past an 8. On top of that, my epidural started to wear off during my c-section and they gave me some narcotic derived from LSD to help with the pain. I ended up having a horrible outer body experience, and was so sad and devastated that I experienced childbirth that way.
The second time around, I wanted a VBAC. I was determined to have a baby the way my body was meant to instead of getting cut open. When I was 3 days overdue, my OB encouraged me to schedule a c-section as this baby looked as big as the last, and he was afraid he would be too big again, etc. I went in two days later for a scheduled c-section and had a much different experience. I was alert, had a great spinal, and had a special experience seeing my baby for the first time. It was magical and I was in awe with the fact that hubby and I created such a beautiful baby.
Hubby and I will have more kids, and I know that they will be c-section as well, but I’ve taken on a different form of thinking. I’m grateful that I live in a day and age that I can have a baby via c-section. Who knows if I would have lived 100+ years ago if I would have died during my first child birth, you know?
I absolutely love your attitude about your c-section in December. Of course it will be magical, you have created life, and no matter how she gets here, it will be amazing. Thanks for writing this post. It’s nice to be able to relate to things that other moms are feeling. Hope your pregnancy is going smoothly for you. 🙂
OMG Tiff, you are so right! having a wonderful spinal and being alert for the whole thing really changes the entire experience. I am requesting a specific anesthesiologist this time – the one I had with Lizzie was AWFUL.
But your story with your first experience really moved me. Here I was thinking that maybe I didn’t try hard enough, since I didn’t make it past 3 cm. But you and others have gotten stuck at 8 or even 10! Childbirth is ridiculously strange and so many things can go wrong. I am happy you and I have healthy children!
Wonderful post and I agree with what Tiffany wrote as well. My boys are both c-sections. They are blessings. It’s wonderful that they are so many ways to become parents these days… whether it’s “natural” birth, a c-section, adoption, IVF… there are so many options!
Yes Shannon! So true! My little girl is going to be such a blessing, even if I have to put a zipper on my belly 🙂
I had two emergency c-sections and still struggle with the fact that my body failed me both times. In fact it is because of my body that I can’t have more children and that saddens me. Thank you for this great post and for reassuring me that it’s not how the child comes into this world that matters. I hope you have a wonderful birth experience in December Annie!
Thank you Andrea! I will be sure to share my story after it happens. I certainly have a better attitude about it now.
It took me a long time to realize that my births were beautiful and miraculous. My 1st daughter wouldn’t decend past a 0 station after pushing for 3 hours. I was SO upset. I called myself a failure, my nurse almost hit me and said “Don’t ever call yourself a failure!” But what they put in my chart? Failure to progress, so, they can call me a failure, but I can’t. I was going to try to VBAC with Jillian, but, she was born 10 weeks early in a breech presentation with her foot in my birth canal. It was life or death at that moment, so, I am glad that I have a wonderful 2 year old to look at now. And you know? You’re right. I’m happy for my c-sections, but I still feel like my body failed me.
Wow, pushing for 3 hours? That is amazing and horrible at the same time. I can see why you would be so upset. And they really need to change that wording! That is what bothered me too when my labor stalled at 3 cm. I FAILED to progress. They need to change to “non-progression.” you know, not FAILURE.
I love this post! I think almost everyone has some moment in their birthing experience they look back on with either regret or disappointment. I have them too but when I look at the pictures of my daughter after being born, THAT is what all the pain of child-carrying and child-bearing is about. After that moment, none of the time before matters – and you’re usually too busy to care anyway! lol
Sometimes I feel like people who are gung-ho birthing one way or the other are overthinking it. Who cares? Nothing on this earth is perfect anyway. I’ll do my best to stay healthy and keep my baby healthy, and stay informed. That’s all we can do! 🙂
I almost idolized natural birth. I had this surreal experiences all planned in my head – as if the heavens would open and angels would sing as I held my baby to my breast immediately.
Um no. That doesn’t happen. Reality is pain, and complications. If you have a lovely natural birth then you have a gift but I am learning not everyone has this rare gift but at least most people can say they have the best gift of all – the baby.
I’ve only ever experienced a c-section, but I can still vividly remember feeling so empowered and amazed that my body had carried a baby after my son was born. It never bothered me that I didn’t have a vaginal birth, I suppose because it took us almost 5 years to conceive our son. But, becoming a mother, no matter HOW that happens or what circumstances make you a mother, is the most beautiful thing of all to me.
That last sentence is amazing! So true! It really is the most beautiful thing of all! Thank you!
You’re right. I think we all do the “what ifs” afterward. I didn’t have a c-section (probably should have with my first), but I needed help to have my babies. I thought I was a failure for needing pitocin both times. But, like you said, it’s not so much the how, but that the baby is here and healthy.
So true Amanda. Regrets just hold us back, and that is too special a time to regret.
This was a great post. As I said before, I was in labour for 19 hours, and had 4 epidurals (one of which didn’t work), then I had my daughter by C-Section and it was and always will be the most beautiful birth I was ever a part of.
I am the luckiest mama in the world and wouldn’t change a thing!
Wow 19 hrs? But yes, you are the luckiest mama and I am too! I can’t wait to meet little girl, even if it is with me flat on my back on a surgery table 🙂
While I didn’t have a c-section I know exactly what you mean. I think we as women have it in our mind of how we want our labor to go and when it doesn’t go that way we blame ourselves. Each time I had a baby I have wanted something to be different. My first one I had 21 yrs ago and it was a completely natural birth. But I passed out before she came out so I missed the birth! I was so disappointed and always have been as I gave her up for adoption. When my son came along I thought I would have a natural birth but I was induced and I only made it to 9 cms. I was so disappointed I couldn’t make it to the end. Then last Dec. when my daughter was born I thought ok I am probably going to need another epi but I at least didn’t want to be induced but extremely high blood pressure took care of that too. We are all too hard on ourselves and do need to focus on the outcome – that beautiful baby we created.
It’s almost like a wedding only with mommy regret being 10 times worse. No matter how much planning and work you put into it, there is always something that is not just perfect.
My first son was 2 weeks late and after just a little bit of labor the nurses came in running to make me flip this way and that because his heart beat dropped.
Everytime I had a contraction his heart beat dropped, the third time down below 70 which was scary. The midwives said they were willing to keep trying we decided to not.
With the C-section all the risk was on my side with keep trying all the risk was on my little boy. And that was a risk we chose to not go through.
I still have points it makes me sad and makes me wonder if this or that would have been different, but it was not worth the risk to continue and I just remind myself.
And it really wasn’t worth the risk for you or any of the other ladies who have had c-sections. You were brave and chose to risk your body, your ability to have more children, and even your life for that baby and be proud of it.
On my second son I just made the choice of having a scheduled c-section even though I had ladies think I was crazy. I healed fast from the c-section and I knew how to deal with it and I didn’t want to give myself guilt if the Vbac didn’t work or to go through all that pain only to be back in having an emergency c-section.
Having an elected c-section was amazing and so much calmer it really was beautiful and I’m glad I didn’t choose to stress about it.
I hope you have this experience this time around. Because when you don’t have the adrenaline from an emergency c-section you can really see the beauty of it all and are so much more aware of your surroundings and yoru baby’s birth.
Good Luck.
I didn’t really care how DD got into the world, as long as, she was safe & healthy.
We planned a natural birth, but as I started to come up on my due date, it became obvious that it would be dangerous and unrealistic to continue in that direction. My doc and I decided to go with a scheduled C-section.
I think it made it more difficult to BF, that is the only thing I regret…. missing out on labor…um…no.
((hugs)) Annie. This was how I felt with breastfeeding (although I only have one child lol). I was the “lucky” lady that suffered from 3-4 months of morning sickness, I couldn’t keep anything down … even (TMI) stomach acid. Add that fun mix to an 18 year old with already body issues and at 5’3 I was lucky if I even weighted between 105-110lbs. Since the at home tests failed me I didn’t realize I was pregnant until I was 4 months along. I thought it was food poising at first but then it didn’t stop and I finally got a blood test done and Ta Da I’m gonna be a mama lol. Well by the time I was able to see my dr and be officially weighted in we were right on the 4.5 month mark and I was documented at weighting 90lbs … how I even kept Oj is beyond me since I couldn’t eat or drink.
My doctor was very much so for breastfeeding and she asked me what I was thinking. I told her I didn’t really know. After talking some we both realized it probably wouldn’t be best because I couldn’t afford to lose anymore weight and still be healthy enough to feed Oj. So I bottle fed and 2 days after I had him he wasn’t eating the formula … no one told me this until the nurse made a slip comment about it. I switched him against their advice but he started eating like a pro. It made me feel really guilty that I didn’t breast feed him and that this was kinda my ‘punishment’.
I think as women and mothers we’re way to hard on ourselves some times. ((hugs)) to you and I can’t believe how close you are to having your little one!
While I’m sure nobody wants a c-section…you are right…the birth of the baby is beautiful and miraculous!
Wow – What an awesome post. Thank for sharing such a personal story with us, as well as how wonderful any type of birth is. Just beautiful – Thank you.