I will admit it, I co-sleep with all my kids. Not at once, Lizzie is in her own bed, but I she was in our bed until she turned 3. And I bet there are lots more parents that co-sleep with their babies than are willing to publicly admit. Then I found this fantastic toddler bed frame, which provided a safe and comfortable space for my child to transition to sleeping independently.
Which I don’t see why it is such a crime. According to various studies co-sleeping – when practiced safely – has proven benefits to the growing baby.
But we are told over and over that babies belong in cribs and mothers will proclaim with extreme pride how long their little ones can sleep in their crib – the longer the stretch the bigger their badge for mother of the year.
At least that is how I feel sometimes. And people raise their eyebrows when I say I co-sleep.
This post is for those of us that co-sleep or want to and just want to make sure we are doing it safely.
First, isn’t this photo too sweet? There are a lot of things wrong with it – the AAP recommends all babies sleep on their backs, not their tummies. I am still working on training Lucy to sleep well on her back. This has been such a struggle. I feel incredibly guilty when I let her sleep on her tummy like this and when she falls into a deep enough sleep I roll her back over, and hold my breath that she sleeps.
But that photo is a lot more beautiful than one of us sleeping together – so it is my photo for this post.
Here are the tips I found for how to co-sleep safely.
Co-Sleeping does not have to mean bed-sharing. You can use products like the Arm’s Reach C0-Sleeper or a crib with one side off and it butted up to your bed. As long as the baby is close enough to wiggle and wake you up, and for your sleeping/breathing to be heard by the baby, it is considered co-sleeping. I have heard from lots of moms the benefits of the Arm’s Reach co-sleeper and really wanted to get one for myself. For now, I have the crib next to my bed and my goal is to put Lucy in the crib as soon as she is sleeping for more than 2-3 hrs at a time.
The benefits of co-sleeping for mom and baby can be summed up in this: If a baby does not have to wake itself fully and can have his/her needs met immediately, it is better off. Also, a baby that is close to the mother learns the patterns of sleep from her breathing. Finally, a mother that co-sleeps does not have to fully wake up either, allowing her to meet the baby’s needs and still feel {semi} rested in the morning. You can read this article by Dr. Sears for more information about benefits of co-sleeping.
Do not use alcohol and/or cigarettes while co-sleeping. The alcohol puts the mother into a deeper sleep and makes it more difficult for her to wake up to meet the needs of her baby. Cigarette smoke – do I need to explain this?
If bed sharing, use tight-fitting sheets and light blankets kept away from the baby. Make sure the baby is prevented from suffocating by keeping loose sheets and fluffy, heavy blankets away too. I have spoken with many mothers that say they are kept very warm from the baby and don’t even use a blanket at night, maybe only a sheet. Also, don’t sleep with your baby on a waterbed, for obvious reasons.
Do not swaddle the baby. This is a debated topic since I have some very close friends that say their baby slept better in the crib and swaddled. Other sources – like La Leche League (link is a PDF of their publication Breastfeeding Today) – say a bed sharing mother should not swaddle because the baby is less able to wiggle and wake the mother. I am not going to debate this here, just letting you know what I read.
Keep the baby away from other sleepers in the bed besides the mom. Studies show that a (non-intoxicated, non medicated) mother sleeps very lightly while other family members do not respond in this way. I can testify the validity of this statement. Before Lizzie was born I was a very heavy sleeper. After she was in our bed it took a tiny kick from her and I was wide awake. Somebody never even heard her cry! So I turn my back to somebody and keep the baby close to me.
A common question regarding co-sleeping and bed-sharing:
How do I make sure I don’t roll on top of my baby at night?
According to Dr. Sears, a mother has a natural instinct that prevents her from rolling on top of her baby – it is the same instinct that keeps her from falling off the bed. If you frequently fall off the bed in your sleep, don’t sleep with your baby 🙂
I want to add here that if you cannot sleep with the baby in your bed or even in your room – having him/her so close keeps you wide awake – then you are not a bad parent for putting him/her in a crib. The Arm’s Reach C0-Sleeper or a crib in your room is a fabulous idea to keep baby close and you have your bed to yourself. Some moms say having baby in their room is still too much and they cannot sleep. For that person I have heard this advice: put a baby monitor in your room and put a monitor from your room to the baby’s so he/she can hear your breathing. It is the breathing patterns that help teach baby proper sleep/wake patterns.
chari says
We pretty much still co-sleep with Ethan. He ends up in our bed about half way through the night. We just recently purchased our first king sized bed this summer so it makes it more comfortable. I would love to co-sleep with the new baby when he is here but not sure how hubby feels about this. He was VERY uneasy co-sleeping with Ethan for the first few months. But I do agree that it helps the mom rest better.
I know I recently read some ‘new research’ about how swaddling is not the best thing for babies and that skin to skin contact was much better for several reasons (also helped them breath better I believe). Don’t know if you saw this or not. Ethan HATED swaddling so we never really did it.
Annie @ Mama Dweeb says
I am working on a blog post about that! There is definitely new research – in the past 2 years or so – and I am confused cause I have heard so many benefits of swaddling but skin to skin (or kangaroo care as they call it) is awesome too. Can’t wait to get this post written 🙂
donna says
i have a question… when you co sleep w/ your kids how do you find the privacy to make love?
Annie @ Mama Dweeb says
Mom, you have asked this before and I’ve told you before. First, I don’t like to discuss my sex life with you, so why would I discuss it online? Second, we have had 3 kids in 4.5 years of marraige – obviously we make do. Sorry, not answering that here or ever again.
heather diemer says
good post. we co-slept/bed-shared with Brighton. It was the best for us and we had no trouble transitioning to his own bed. This time, the crib will be in our room anyway so there may be less bed-sharing but we’ll still be close to her.
i agree with you on the mommy badge issue. I don’t know why it’s such a huge deal for your baby to sleep through the night. I know i don’t sleep through the night either and i’m an adult!
Janessa says
I don’t believe in that natural instinct that keeps one from rolling over on the baby…a year or so ago a woman in Joplin rolled over on her newborn and suffocated her. 🙁 I have a friend’s husband that works on the police force there who investigated the case. To each his/her own but I’m not a big proponent of co-sleeping, I like my own space in my bed and my privacy with the hubs too much. 🙂
Annie @ Mama Dweeb says
I feel terrible for that Joplin mom! I can’t imagine her pain, her guilt. It certainly makes me think and brings that possibility closer to home.
Jenny Georgio-who says
I don’t personally co-sleep with my baby. I had her in a bassinet in my room for the first 4 months and once the bassinet became uncomfortable I moved her to her crib.
I’ve heard too many horror stories about children who co-sleep as babies, infants, toddlers and then refuse to go to their “big kid bed”. There were kids in our daycare that were 4 or 5 and still shared a bed with their parents. To me that is just too much. I couldn’t handle it.
As for how you make love when you co-sleep. I’m sure it still happens. My cousin slept with her kids in their room until they were all 5 years old. She has 4 kids. Somehow they found the time, place, and privacy to get it on!
Annie @ Mama Dweeb says
Having a big older child that would not sleep in his/her bed was a HUGE worry of mine too. I was in agony for the first month of my first child’s life when she would not sleep in a bassinet, only in my bed with me.
Thankfully Lizzie is in her bed at 3 years old, and I have no worries that when they are in gradeschool they will be in their own beds without any troubles.
I understand your concern cause I had it too!
Jessica says
Great post. I co-slept with my son until he was about 5 months old and I loved it. Thankfully not many people got on my case about having him sleep in the bed with me — that could have gotten annoying — but I’m looking forward to co-sleeping with baby #2 (hopefully for longer than 5 months this time!) coming in May.
Annie @ Mama Dweeb says
Co-Sleeping is such a personal choice, I wanted to write this article to help those who chose to do it, not to get into a debate about which is best LOL
I too loved it and felt guilty, like I’d be crippling my child emotionally if I did it. So far she is far from crippled LOL!!
Congrats on baby #2 in May! That is so exciting!
Heather Beckley says
We skip the crib all together. I co-sleep with each of my children in their rooms in a twin or full size mattress. That way the marital bed stays that way. As they get older I stay with them til they fall asleep then climb in bed with my Hubby. By kindergarten or so they realize that sleeping with Mom or Dad is NOT cool and it stops completely. I cherish the years I spent co-sleeping and cuddling with my babies.
Annie @ Mama Dweeb says
Now that is a wonderful idea! If we had room, I would take you advice and do this too. Right now we have a 2 bedroom house, but are in the process of adding 3 more bedrooms on. By the time the addition is completed, all three kids will be in their own beds and ready to move into their brand new bedrooms! 😀
I really do like how you were able to cuddle and cosleep with your kids while keeping your bed private. I have heard that no matter what decision you make – co sleeping, crib, own bed – lots of sleep issues resolve around kindergarten.
Alison says
My babies were cuddle bunnies. They love to be with mama. I love love love co-sleeping/bed-sharing. So easy to nurse, and convient. Landon only slept in my arms even in the hospital, so I got like 20 mins of sleep total the whole time I was there cause I was afraid the nurses would yell at me if I was sleeping with him in the bed. But as soon as we got home we were sleeping together right away. I just love snuggling with my babies. Even Hunter still comes into our room at night. We have a twin bed right next to our Queen bed so he sleeps on the twin. I just love it all around.
Especially with all of the recalls going on with cribs. That is so scary! So I’m glad I never have to deal with that.
Kim Rosas says
I was a hesitant co-sleeping mom with number one, but grew to love it. It seemed natural and in line with my parenting style. I was afraid of SIDS thanks to the mainstream press and adverts about co-sleeping.
Planned to co-sleep with the second. LITERALLY FROM DAY 1 HE HAD HIS DAYS AND NIGHTS TOGETHER.
He would wake to eat and go right back to sleep. No crying, no awake time.
My 2 year old sleeps all night in his bed, I expect he will learn to do the same.
Great post!
Annie @ Mama Dweeb says
Thank you Kim! When my babies were in my bed, they always slept well too. Lizzie preferred having me in bed and it took a bit of training to get her to sleep without me in the bed, but David was much different. He could stay asleep without anyone in the room – so each kid is different 🙂
Liz says
I have been co-sleeping with my 6 month-old since she was born. I have an Arm’s Reach Co-Sleeper, but she never took to it. I’m sure that other babies might enjoy the co-sleeper or even a crib in the parents’ room, but she always has wanted to be sleeping right next to me. I have really enjoyed it, though (especially not having to get up to nurse)!
Julie the Army Wife says
We co-sleep too. Did it with my oldest until we moved at about 7 months. Then my 2nd until about 5 months but he was in our room until 9 months. I love having them close at least for the first half of their first year. I don’t worry so much about SIDS that way. We have a co-sleeper but this one hates it. Not sure if that will change when he gets a little older though.
When we left the hospital they gave us a sheet of paper that said to never ever put your baby in bed with you. I am usually more of a rule follower but I just believe that co-sleeping is safe as long as you follow the safe way to do it.
I hadn’t heard not to swaddle. We don’t swaddle anymore at 7 weeks but I did the first week or two.
Annie @ Mama Dweeb says
Thanks for stopping by Julie! I too swaddled for the first 2 weeks or so. I am going to write another post about this new research regarding swaddling. Basically, from what I have read, swaddling is still ok to do – the new research just found something better than swaddling, not that you should not swaddle. I’ll explain it in the post 🙂
Melissa Speegle says
Before I had kids I swore up and down I would never co-sleep because it wasn’t safe. After the 5th day of having my son home from the hospital and no sleep at all I put him in our bed out of desperation. We got several hours of sleep that night and we never looked back. He is now 4 and starts off by going to be in his own room but wakes every night and comes to our bed.
We now have a 1 yr old daughter who sleeps in our bed too. I have both the mini and the full size Arm’s reach co-sleeper but neither of my kids really used it. After my daughter was born I found the suggestion to pull of the crib side & butt it next to the bed (For others who want to know how http://www.drmomma.org/2010/01/turn-your-crib-into-cosleeper.html) My intention was to put our daughter in the crib bed but she refuses to be away from me so now my 4 year old sleeps in there when he comes to our bed. I love it because he has his own space and I don’t have to worry about him with the baby. I love sleeping with my kids and I know that they will get to a point where they don’t want to sleep with us so I enjoy it while I can!
Annie @ Mama Dweeb says
Thank you for sharing Melissa – I know the link you shared will help lots of people who want to go that route. I agree with you, someday they will fly away and be super independant so I am cuddling them every time they ask 🙂
april yedinak says
I have always co-slept with my kids. When I brought my first one home, I foolishly listened to other people, including my own mother. They all insisted the baby sleep in their own crib from day one. Well, I was paranoid and spent all night getting up to check her breathing and then if I did fall asleep and I woke up to crying, I would feel awful wondering how long she had been awake. I brought her into my room the second week and she stayed, by mutual choice until she was about 5. My son was special needs and had lots of medical issues, so there was no question he would sleep with me, and usually we were both most comfortable with him lying on my chest, while I held him. He moved to his own bed when he was about 7. My last child slept with me or in a bassinet right next to me from the beginning. She still sleeps with me and she is 6, but I can sense she will be ready to move to her own bed soon.
Like so many parenting issues, it is all about choice, but I don’t think anyone should judge someone for doing something safe that feels natural and right for them.
Annie @ Mama Dweeb says
Your story is awesome April! I love that you listened to your gut and your children’s cues. I bet they are secure and happy children today aren’t they? 🙂
You are right, it is all about choice. I know some very secure, healthy children whose parents can’t sleep if the baby is in the bed. And I know the same for co sleeping children. Just be the best mom you can be!
Mari says
I co-slept with all mine and they are perfect. They all slept on their stomach from day 1 too. I have 3 with gerd, if a child with gerd is on their back , then guess what, they can and will choke, and you may not even know it.
Co-sleeping is great in many ways. I did have cribs, but none have slept in them not even for naps, if they did go into them it was for play for me to do dishes or cook.
Great post, new follower btw.
Annie @ Mama Dweeb says
Hi Mari! I had no idea bout GERD and back sleeping, wow!
Welcome and thank you for following 🙂
Kellie L says
My baby and I do co-napping 🙂 She always sleeps twice as long or more for her afternoon nap if I’m right there. And it often is the best sleep I get.
At night however, she sleeps 95% of the time in her crib. When she began teething badly, she was waking up as often as every half hour. I was getting so exhausted that I would end up putting her in bed with me, which would sooth her enough to stay out for much longer. Maybe it’s not ideal, but shes safe (I can’t roll) and much more well-rested.
I’ve learned pretty quickly to take the mommy-badges with a grain of salt.
Jennifer S says
When I was pregnant with Zander (now 7) I went shopping for a crib never doubting he’d be sleeping in it every night. Our first few days home from the hospital he made it clear he wasn’t a fan of that crib. Since I was laying in bed watching tv I laid him next to me and he fell asleep. I’ve co-slept with my kids since then. It made breastfeeding during the night easier on all of us. Hubby has more than once defended our position to his family because it’s what works for us. Now all three boys sleep in their own beds.
Nolie says
For the first 3 months of Little Man’s life we had the arms reach cosleeper. After that for my own good nights sleep he was moved into his crib in his own room.
Tenille says
I just tweeted about your post bc I couldn’t agree more!
Amanda @ The Eco-Friendly Family says
What a great post, thank you so much for sharing. I am one of those mom’s that only sleep with a sheet thanks to my snuggly babe. She is all the warmth I need. Also, on swaddling, I found that I was uncomfortable with her limited range of movement while in bed with us. I was too uncomfortable with it to even attempt co-sleeping that way. While she was small, I either put clothes on her (when she didn’t fuss for them to be off) or covered her with a very light sheet type baby blanket.
Alicia says
I loved co-sleeping with my babies, but it so important to be safe as well. Thanks of this important post!
Amy @ Oh So Savvy Mom says
I wish I could co-sleep with my babies, but I am one of those who sleeps too lightly with my baby in my bed or even close to me. That said, I’m still determined to try a co-sleeper this time around because it would be so convenient.
Jenn @therebelchick says
Thank you for this informative tip list! 🙂
vanessa says
thanks for the info!
vanessa says
great tips and thanks for sharing!
Vanessa Gonzalez says
Co sleep with my 5 month old, and previously with my 6 year old (till he was 1). I just love snuggling with my babies. For nap time, Vivian (5 month old) goes in her crib. She will sleep on her own with no issues. My son occasionally asks if I would like to “sleepover” in his room. (I cherish these few requests….I know the time will come when cuddling with Mommy is no longer cool).
Lizzy says
Anny,
we used to co-sleep for a long time. Meanwhile, my twin boys are nearly 16 months and it seems not to be getting better during the nights 🙁 I came across a product called Sleepy BabySleep (I guess) and I am seriously considering to give it a try (all info here: http://www.thesleepyhelp.com).
My question is: have you (or anyone) ever heard of it or even tried it and can share experience and/or thoughts please??
Lizzy