Premenstrual dysphoric disorder – or PMDD – is a real thing. It affects nearly 8% of women in the USA. For me, it is a demon I’ve struggled with ever since my body was introduced to hormones as a teen.
I’ve tried to ignore it. I’ve tried treating it myself with diet and exercise. I’ve tried writing it off as “just PMS.” Since I am confident and happy most of the time, it is so easy to ignore those volatile 3-5 days a month.
What does PMDD feel like?
About three days before my period, I am unable to cope with normal stress. Sometimes it shows itself in anger over minute problems. Other months it appears as a heavy depression where I simply must cry and hide from the world that despises me. Looking back, I understand what I dealt with all these years. I remember how it always feels – my pulse quickens. My brain is crushed with “truths” I cannot disperse with logic. I am not lovable, I am not loved. If I was, they would not do this to me. No matter how I try to “talk” myself out of it, I cannot escape the heaviness of my heart. The hopelessness, the dark clouds the fog my brain and render me emotionally handicapped, unable to interact.
But really, those are the manageable thoughts. And some months are quite manageable, I can control them with diet and exercise and barely notice my PMDD. It is the bad ones that scare me. When my PMDD collides with a life I am unable to control. Deadlines, dirty house, family members – they all combine and I seek solace in peace and quiet of a television show. Then the children interrupt my show. I stare at the screen. My muscles tense up. I am not able to focus on the images in front of me. This is an emergency! If I feel one more hand on my back or hear one more question, all logic and calm will evaporate. As I respond in short commands to innocent questions from my kids, “No! Just go to Daddy, I need to be ALONE!” I am crushed with the guilt that accompanies my depression.
More lies fill my mind. Not good enough. They deserve better. I hate this.
And then, I get my period. And just like that, my mood lightens. Logic makes sense and my thoughts are crystal clear.
Until next month.
How are you treating your PMDD?
I used to work out. I tried eating super clean, super healthy. But after all this time I realize I need more. I’m working with my doctor to find a medical solution. I will also seek a psychiatrist that can help me even more.
I am doing this for my children. I want them to know it is better to seek help than to do it on your own. I want them to know that mental health is not something to be ashamed about, it is medical and ought to be treated like any medical condition.
I am not going to be ruled by this anymore. I will not let my PMDD define me. And I will not let this condition damage my relationships.
And I hope that if someone else is struggling with PMDD they read this and speak to their doctor. It is real and it can be treated.
I don’t have PMMD, but I had post partem depression and ever since have struggled with mild depression. It’s hard to determine what causes are hormonal and what causes are from being isolated as a mom that works from home and not to mention dealing with SAD. (It’s that time of year again.) Anyway, I currently take a low dose anti-depressant that helps me. It’s an alternative that many don’t want to take, but I am glad that I did. I hope you and your doctor are able to come up with a plan to combat PMMD that works for you.
Thank you for sharing this Kristi. You are so right – it is really hard to figure out what actions to take so that your life is lived without interruption. I admire you for taking that step and taking the low dose SSRI. And thank you for the positive thoughts. I don’t really enjoy the side effects of my medicine and really need to speak with a psychiatrist. But my family doctor is really helping me figure out dosage and time of day to take it, so it is helping.
I probably had some sort of PMDD for years, but it wasn’t until about 2004, between my 4th and 5th babies, that I came to that same realization that you did – that I needed to get help. I had no idea it was something that could be labeled. It wasn’t until I was sitting in my doctor’s office telling her about the difficulties – mood swings and severe anxiety and the heaviness in my chest (always right before I started) – that she told me what was going on. Knowing it was something real and that it could be treated was such a relief, and today, 10 years later, I am able to cope with it SO much better, without drugs, mostly because I know what it is and what to expect from my body (that’s not to say that some months aren’t hard, though!). I hope that your treatment will bring you long term relief!
Thank you Lolli! Yes, I know that heaviness in my chest! Now I just hope my body can get used to the meds so I can have more control over my thoughts and emotions.
I am not sure that I’ve heard of this, but I think I have experienced it. Thankfully, not every month. I think I have passed it off as ‘just PMS.’ Or in my case, in my stage of life, ‘just pre-menopause.’
But now I know to ask my doctor about it, thank you. I hope you get answers and proper treatment that works for you soon!
Good luck! It might be PMS. I know with PMDD your life is severely disrupted. It is like a jekyll and hyde moment where you don’t even recognize yourself until your period starts and AHHHH!!! relief!
Oh Annie, you have my heart right now. I feel a WebMD moment coming on for myself because I can truly identify with so much of what you’re saying. It’s like I am not myself at all. I am looking at a totally different person, one that I don’t recognize or like or even understand, irrational and often scary. I have locked myself in my bedroom and screamed at my kids until everyone in the house is afraid to come to the door or been so completely depressed that I’m almost unable to function. Right before I went to Texas I, what I can only describe as “completely flipped out” on my husband, crying and screaming at him about one of the kids’ something that any other given day I could handle but right then – right then it felt like too much. My heart was pounding, I couldn’t think and I was completely overcome with this rage and anger and screaming so loud, all the kids in bed heard me.
As Kristi mentioned, I had depression with my 3rd pregnancy and then PPD afterwards and ever since then I’ve struggled with mild depression and anxiety but looking back, I have acted very much like you’ve described right before my period – FOR YEARS. The only medication I ever took for anything was after my 3rd child and that was a mild anti-anxiety medication but I don’t even take that anymore.
I get this. I get exactly what you’re saying – and now? Now I know that this is something that happens to other people. I probably wouldn’t have any idea that I could be experiencing the same thing if it what happened a couple of weeks ago wasn’t so fresh in my mind still and I hadn’t read this. In recent years I’ve kind of wondered why I get so physically and emotionally unable to handle stress right before my period, why panic attacks seem to come at a moment’s notice and why I get so completely overwhelmed with my life right before I start my period. Sometimes I can see it coming on but I have no idea how to stop it.
I’ve always dismissed it as PMS. Maybe this sounds completely WebMD and cliche but I think now that I have an idea of what’s been happening to me all this time, maybe I can control it and do something about it.
I’m not telling you this because I don’t want you to not feel alone but to THANK YOU. I want to know more about PMDD and what I can do to keep it from happening next month.
thank you very VERY much for sharing your story with me Nikki! I know it isn’t easy to share – but it is so much worse to live through every month. I know what you are describing, it is the same things I experience! I know the OVERWHELMED feelings and the freak outs. I know all of this. I hope you find someone that work through this with you and you find a solution too. Here is to US!
I’m so glad you wrote this! I am so proud of you for seeking help, this is nothing to be ashamed of and you CAN get help and feel so much better! I love you!!
I think I probably have this – or a version of it. I assume it does not always act the same with everyone. I get violently mad. I cuss. I scream and yell. I cannot be rational. And then it goes away. But mine starts almost immediately after I’m done ovulating. It gets back about a week before my monthly friend makes its appearance. And also? I have 25-26 day cycles. YEP. I spend half my life in that funk. It’s awful. My family just knows and they seem to take it in stride. I know what is happening and try my best to be calm and not fly off the handle, but EVERYTHING gets under my skin during that time. And I go a little nuts. Thanks for sharing this, and putting a name to the crazy. 🙂 Somehow it helps just knowing it is “normal”.
I am so sorry to hear this, Annie!! 🙁 {HUG} I hope you are able to find a medicine that helps control the symptoms!
Is PMDD a hereditary thing?
It’s so good for you to share your story… your honesty will help others.
I totally deal with this. The last couple of years I’ve asked doctors if there’s anything that can be done, but it doesn’t seem there’s anything. =( I feel exactly how you do and could use the same words you did to describe your feelings and thoughts and after that time has passed, the guilt that accompanies it. I’ve never tried anything to help it because I just don’t know what, if any, my options are. =( Living with this my entire life has been miserable. Not only for me, but those around me.
Mimi,
I hate that your doctors are doing nothing to help you! I hope you can find one that will. If possible, find a psychiatrist that can help you out for sure. It was recently classfied in the DSM-5 as a mental disorder. http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2013/10/22/223805027/should-disabling-premenstrual-symptoms-be-a-mental-disorder
I know finding the right help was a HUGE blessings and I am hoping you find help too. Even if you just find a way to cope by seeing a therapist.
I’ve been suffering from this my entire life. Everything you wrote in this blog is exactly what I go through. It seems to happen after I ovulate. I feel disconnected, anxious, extremely fatigued and get major physiological symptoms like terrible acne or tender breasts that putting on clothes is so painful. Some months I can handle it and when the physical symptoms are strong I know I will be having it bad. I work out intensley about 4x a week and watch what I eat but I cannot escape this. It’s ruining the relationship with my fiancé who already has issues with communication and has a hard time dealing with emotions. I’m so scare I’m going to be alone. I’m so scared this is going to be my life. I was fine a few years ago but that’s because I meditated everyday and didn’t have a lot of responsibility. I had no idea what to do so I went to an urgent care and cried and cried. The doctor gave me Prozac and said to take 10mg everyday but on those prior menstruation I have to take 20mg. I hate this so bad. It’s breaking my heart and hurting my fiancé. Has anyone got any relief from Prozac? I was diagnosed with major depression when I was 16 and was put on Effexor, Paxil and I got majorly depressed. I was on Prozac then till I was 19 because i felt I didn’t need it anymore. Then I got depressed again and was put on lexapro which made me more depressed. When I was on Prozac I can’t remember how I was but I’m sure I was my normal self. Sigh, I just want relief and to keep my fiancé because I love him so much.