Twenty year old Shelby Dasher is charged with 2nd degree murder of her 13 month old son Tyler. She admitted to striking him when when he wouldn’t sleep.
Dasher admitted to striking the boy several times out of frustration because she could not get him to go back to sleep and stop crying, McCulloch said. She then told investigators she hid the body in a wooded area and returned home. KSDK.com
My heart sank when I read this article. The story of Casey Anthony is still fresh in my mind and the cases for missing 12 month old Lisa Irwin in Kansas City and 2 year old Sky Elijah Metalwala in Seattle are bringing knots to my throat.
If parents are at the end of their rope, angry, exhausted, frustrated, where do they turn? When they feel terribly scared, alone and needing help, who can they call? I am blessed that I live close to a very supportive family and friends. What if I didn’t have them? What if I was alone?
Few things in life cause as much stress and increase symptoms of depression as having young children. Every mother knows this and the reason they carry a wide range of CBD vape pens for help. I know this. For people that struggle with depression or anxiety before children, having a crying baby can exacerbate the depression and distort reality. It is not weakness to call your doctor and ask for help. There are mother’s groups, and churches that people can go to. Please reach out and ask for help. It is scary to do at first. You look at all the other moms and think they have their ducks in a row, they have a perfect, easy life. Hearing your plea for help will make them scoff at you.
NO!
That is so not true. We all pull our hair out which is why many doctors recommend best CBD oil for pain and anxiety stressed parents. We dream of quiet children at bed time. We pour a glass of wine at night to calm our nerves. Please reach out. Even if you don’t believe in God, I do believe you can find friends at church or small support groups through a church that can be the biggest help.
Friends, please share in the comments: Where have you found help when you needed it?
I found my life line through blogging. I was a stay and work at home mom 4.5 years ago and felt like no one understood my exact place in this world… including me. I’ve met such amazing people. One shout out on Twitter when I’m sinking and I hear back instantly that I’m not alone.
Wish she had such a great support network. It truly does take a village to raise a child, yet so many people think they have to do it all alone. Sad.
Exactly Kim! And I hate to say this, but it is the truth: Be careful who you surround yourself with! There are “friends” that will offer no help and terrible advice that hurts the child.
I agree, blogging, facebook and twitter help me so much too! And there are so many online forums and support groups.
This will sound trite, but I honestly turn to food! Soda, chocolate, whatever sounds good at the moment. If I am totally stressed (homeschooling 5 kids with a traveling husband and a writing career), I throw the kids in the mommyvan and we might run out for a snack for Mommy and the kids. Or I grab a nice coffee out and we go to an indoor play place in the winter or to a park in the spring/fall. I don’t really depend on too many people b/c my little ones are always so attached to me and I don’t like to leave them. If I’m frustrated in the night … it’s always worse then, right?! … I’ve always taken the nonsleeper downstairs (always a baby) and watch some stuff my mom tapes … bad stuff like The Housewives of Beverly Hills or Flipping Out! Also, music keeps me sane. And of course PRAYER. Great post!
Thank you for sharing Kerrie. I know that turning to food isn’t always the healthiest option, but in times of extreme stress it can be far better to relax your nerves with a non-nutritious drink and meal than it would be to try and not eat and go crazy. I’ve been there.
I love the idea of taking the baby downstairs and watching something on tv. You found a way to treat yourself in a time of frustration. And yes, PRAYER. That is always where I turn and it always helps!
My family has been a great source of support for me when my daughter was young and *not the perfect baby* LOL. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without my mom and sisters!
From what I read about this mother, she was abused by the baby’s father and didn’t have support from family. To me, that is a terrible crime too. Where was her support, her family? They should have stepped in, if not for her, for the innocent baby in the middle of it all.
When I’m stressed and need help, it’s all about God, my hubby, and a really tight group of girlfriends who are God-fearing, loving, gentle, kind, humble, honest and transparent. Like you said in one of the comments above, who we surround ourselves with is so important. I thank God for those around me.
Fawn, I agree with you 100%. If it wasn’t for God and the supportive friends that pray with me, I don’t know where I would be either.
This is the really sticky situation, the part that requires us to really pray hard: Do you or I know someone like the mother above? Is there someone in our lives that we can reach out to and support? This requires immense amounts of prayer because often girls like this mother are in such bad situations that we don’t want to involve ourselves or our family in them. It’s so tough…it really is….
You’re SO right. It really is tough.
This is definitely one of my soapboxes. Women create a lot of pressure for themselves and it’s never more apparent than when our kids are very, very young. I had a reader write in, terrified that CPS was going to get involved. I hope you don’t mind my sharing it: http://www.home-ec101.com/feeling-desperate/
I hate that so much of our time as new parents (at least those of us without a support system) is spent feeling shame and desperation.
Thank you for leaving that link Heather. It is soooo true! Women without a support system do feel lost, ashamed, scared and desperate! And I hate it too, I really do.
It’s extremely sad that Mom’s feel like they can’t ask for help. They think that if they do people will assume they are a bad parent. That’s not the case. I’m sure every Mother can tell you we all have those moments where we feel like we just can’t take one more thing. As for myself I just step away from the situation and cool down. I will take a book and lock myself in the bathroom. It hurts my heart every time I read a new story about a child who has been killed or abused by their parents. It seems like it’s an epidemic. I swear every time I read the news there is one more story.
Yes, the best thing moms can do when they feel that anger and frustration is to put baby somewhere safe and get away from it. Cool down. And stories like this really are all over the freakin’ news. It tugs at my heart and makes me scream inside, “what can I do to make this less?”
Stories like this break my heart as well. What I’ve never understood is why parents who are in situations like this just don’t drive to the nearest emergency room. I mean if push came to shove, it would be a safe place to start. Yes, possibly embarrassing, but in the end would be a place to get help when you don’t think you have any other option.
I too am blessed with a husband, friends, family and a church family who will and HAVE dropped everything to come help me with just one phone call. (I battled post-partum depression early on.) I can say though that part of my saving grace is that my son is naturally a good sleeper. (At least he has been all his 9 months thus far. Who knows what tomorrow has in store for us though.)
My mother-in-law gave me a piece of good advice that has stuck with me. She told me that if the baby was crying, check the top 3…No injuries, no dirty diapers, and full belly. If those 3 were okay and if I couldn’t get him to stop crying it’s OK to put him down in his crib for a few minutes if I need just a little self time out to collect my nerves. That “permission” allowed me to take 2 minutes to myself to go to the bathroom and splash cold water on my face if I need to. Often, that was enough.
You are correct, NO mother has all her ducks in a row. I think we’re all just handling as much as we can and can truly TRULY sympathize with other mothers who are having difficulties.
But it’s very hard for me to empathize with mothers or fathers OR ANYONE who actually hurts a child. My Christian heart tells me to be forgiving but I have great difficulty with that.
Your mother in law is a very wise woman, you are blessed to have her. And you are also right – if a mother feels alone, she needs to join mother’s groups, find a local church and join a bible study – something!
Oh dear. I hate these stories. And you’re right, all moms could use an extra hand. Especially during those early months when the hormones have gone crazy and sleep is non-existant. I feel horrible for this woman. I’m sure she’ll regret her actions until the day she dies. But is she fully responsible? She’s young. She’s hormonal. And she’s a New Mom. God knows that’s a hard lot to play.
Becca, I toy with that question too. And I take your thoughts of how she had all this crap stacked against her one step further – how am I helping young mothers around me? Is there someone in my life I could help?
I know I have been on the receiving end. I had friends and family members take my children so I could have a mental health time. How am I taking this precious blessing and giving it to others?
This is just so sad.
And, it’s really not even as hard as getting somebody to help you. I’ve left a crying/exhausted and colicy baby safely in her crib and walked outside to cool down. There is nothing that says moms won’t and can’t get upset, but it’s what you do with that frustration….
This just breaks my heart.
I have done the same thing. In fact, I cosleep but kept the crib up just for those moments. I’d put the baby in the crib and scream into a pillow and grab a spoonful of ice cream. Soon as I could breath deep breathes and relax my muscles I’d go back to the baby.
I know several of you mentioned walking away from a crying child (after making sure they were okay) and this is okay. I wish this mother had done this. Someone else mentioned going to the ER, I am sure it would have been embarrassing, but not near as embarrassing and as heartbreaking as having murdered your child because you lost it. And I know it is really hard to make logical decisions in that dark place, as I have suffered with depression, but even giving a child up if you can’t handle him is better than living with the fact that you killed him. So many if only’s…
My heart hurts for her.
Bernice
I didn’t mention that part Bernice – giving a child up. That is the hardest thing of all to do. It is also the most selfless thing in the WORLD. When you realize that the life you are giving your child is not healthy for the baby….maybe even coming to that realization will force the parent to seek help.
I joined a local mother’s group. The support that I’ve found there has been absolutely priceless. I think about how grateful I am daily.
In my smallish town alone there are 3 parents groups and in the town next to it there are 4 or more. If a mom doesn’t know where to find a parents group, go to the local library during story time and then ask the mothers there. Yes, a mother’s group can introduce moms to other moms, friendships are formed and those can literally be life saving.
This made me go get my little 16 month old and hug him a minute. He did not want anything to do with me. Anyways I really just do not understand how you could strike your baby. I have a 1 and 2 year old and I am 6 months pregnant. I have traveled all over the country (alone) with my children living in hotels and out of pack and plays (alone). I have gone through deployments with little ones and I have even had a little one while he was deployed. In another country and without any family. No matter how bad it got it never got so bad I thought about hitting my baby. I really hope that these stories show mothers that they need to ask for help. Our children are God’s most precious gifts and I know I for one would take anyone’s little one until they are able to deal with their babies and I know I am not alone in this thinking.
Thank you for sharing your story Leslie! It brought tears to my eyes. I have a 4 yo, 2 yo and 11 month old and I thought I had kids super close together. You will cherish how close they are to each other though. There are some wonderfully amazing moments that will melt your heart! <3
What really moved me was when you said you would take anyone's little one until they were able to deal. I feel the same exact way. If a mother feels alone, she needs to know she is NOT alone and mothers are ready and willing to help because we have been there too!
My husband helped me, because he was there. Sometimes going to church was the best thing for me when my firstborn was little, because it was my ONLY time seeing other adults during the week. Otherwise, I could get my friends to email me back every once in a while, so my blog was my best help. I didn’t have nearly as hard a time this time around, but I’m pretty angry all the time. I can’t get my 3 year old to just be quiet for 10 minutes unless the tv is on, and then as soon as I leave the room she’s on top of me. I have to yell at her to get her to behave, and I hate it. because who wants to yell and wake up the baby AGAIN? Ugh. that’s why I read blogs in what little ‘quiet’ time I get, to know that other people are going through this, too.
This story happened in my area, and the ‘local’ people were up in arms on facebook and wanting to kill the girl themselves, they wanted to hear nothing about postpartum depression, they think it’s ‘not real’ and ‘just a defense’ that you use in court. so uneducated (and probably not parents, either)…