When I asked my Facebook page this question, I wasn’t prepared for the answers. Some left me stunned. Others had me nodding in agreement. We are all the bad parent. We all do things we regret and beat ourselves up for later. We are all screwed up in some way, and could all benefit from a session (or 10) from a therapist.
But the thing is, most of us are amazing parents too.
(side note: If you are reading this and struggling with depression, addiction or some other issue that is putting your children in danger, please seek help. There are Opioid Detox Heroin Detox available out there that can help fight drug addiction. If not for your own sake, for the sake of your children.)
What breaks my heart and makes me want to scream at my computer (or phone) is reading comments on social media like, “If I was the parent, I’d NEVER _____” or “How could that parent ______, think of the kids!” And you know what? Most of the time it is over something silly and minute like formula feeding, checking your phone while at a park, or feeding a child fast food.
The guilt and shame social media criticism brings can be crippling. No one can live up to the oh-so-holy standards of a perfect parent. No one.
That is why I asked my question on Facebook. I had to know! Listen to what they said.
Good = loves their kids, does their best.
Awful = does not love their kids, or make an effort.
Every parent has off days and many simplifications overdo it. Parenting is a messy business.
Doing your best. This looks different for every person. What I love most is this: “Many simplifications overdo it. Parenting is messy business.” It is SO messy. Not just the spaghetti on the floor or the urine in the bed. It is the in the glances you get at the grocery store when you parent your way. Or the comments on a photo on Facebook. There are an obscene amount of “critical” decisions a parent has to make every day and the answer is hardly ever easy.
I can’t answer the question, because there is no simple answer. But I do have to disagree with some others.
Putting your needs ahead of your kid’s needs from time to time does not make you a bad parent. It makes you a mature, mentally healthy person. The saying “You can’t take of others until you take care of yourself” is very true.
In addition, many parents do a lousy job differentiating between wants and needs when it comes to their kids.
Being a martyr who sacrifices yourself at the feet of your children does no one any good, and is likely more damaging to your kids in the end than choosing to put yourself first sometimes.
Again, there really is no way to answer this with a simple answer! You can’t just say “an awful parent puts their needs first.” Because if a parent never meets their own needs, their emotional and mental facilities will be starved and they will have nothing left to give.
We all see bad parent’s, neglect, abuse, drugs in home whatever. It’s pretty obvious, but what makes a good parent is a tough one. It’s providing for the physical and emotional needs of the child, but that doesn’t include the wants. It’s providing expectations and boundaries, to teach the child to be a good citizen, and a hard worker. It’s loving unconditionally, and it’s making mistakes, so that everyone grows and learns. Do your best, and love your child.
Is it really obvious what makes an awful parent? Perhaps it is “lack thereof.” Not even trying, or resenting or hating. This quote above does make an excellent point – what makes a good parent is definitely a tough one. I think it is tough mostly because of the standards and exhaustive lists we force ourselves to meet. How can we possibly do it all and meet that elusive title of “good mom” or “good dad”?
Every parent is both!
We certainly all have our moments! As imperfect creatures, we succumb to our own weaknesses. You know what yours is. I know what mine is. And we fail. We all wonder how many years of therapy our children will need when they are grown. We think we are doing everything correctly and then puberty hits. Then we have moments of absolute bliss. We look at the smile, the peaceful sleeping, or see them succeeding and know you did something right.
I think it all depends on the way a child is treated. With respect, love, proper discipline, encouragement…etc.
All in all, I think parenting is more the sum of all the actions than the value of an individual act. It is an entire theater production, not a one act play. It is drama and comedy and love and fear. There is shame and gratitude and relief and angst. All parents are fallible and break. Excellent parents find someone – or a group of people – to lean on when the breaking point happens. Parenting is not a solo act. Single parents and military parents and married parents – we all need a circle of love to support us through the dark times.
I think we all have different opinions about what makes a good or bad parent, but as long as we try our best and love our kids, I think that is a good start.
We do all have different opinions, which is why I asked my Facebook followers. I hate how judgmental people are. We are all amazing parents. We are all awful parents.
What a tough question to answer! I definitely think there’s many different factors, no one parent is perfect
I agree Christie. That is why I asked my Facebook followers and wrote this post. I like what one reader said in the post above – that every parent is awful AND wonderful. It’s true. We are all terrible parents.
In my opinion there is no right and wrong answer everyone is different and no one parents the same.I think we just have to try our best and learn along the way no one is perfect.I do not think anyone has the right to judge another person.
In my opinion, love is what makes an awesome parent. If you’re sincerely trying to do the best you can for your kids, and they know you love them to pieces, you’re a super mom. Or dad, for that matter.
If you do your best, and you love your kids, you’re a great mom. Nobody’s perfect, but as long as you’re trying your hardest, you’re a super mom.
I think as long as your children aren’t being neglected or abused, that is a really difficult question to answer. Everyone parents differently making the answer different for everyone.
I think that is a hard question to answer. If we love our kids and always try our best it is a great place to start.
There are so many opinionated people in this world, especially on social media. Parents that do their best by their kids and love them unconditionally are good parents. Everyone makes mistakes. It is how you react to those that matters.
My goal was always to keep an open mind and learn from my mistakes. Being observant helped me to understand which methods worked and which ones didn’t.
Love is best. Being consistant is also important.
Parenting can be hard, but I’m not exactly. Sure what makes a good or bad parents many differing opinions on it, as long as the kids are happy, healthy and we’ll taken care of I dunno what else really matters. I have bad days sure but doesn’t make me (or anyone else) a bad parent.
Loving our kids is instinctive, and although parents will express it differently, love is love and that a parent who loves their kids will always do the best they can. I also think we judge each other way too much not realizing that we all fall short sometimes
I think most everyone does the best that they can for their kids. I think even if you didn’t have a good model of love growing up you know what you wish you would have had.
This is SUCH a hard question/topic! I genuinely believe that most parents are doing the best they can with the tools they have available to them. The problem is that some people weren’t given as many tools as others. I worked as a social worker for several years in a home-visiting, abuse prevention program and saw SO MANY families who genuinely loved their children and were trying to do their best, but their own histories were so messed up that their best was nowhere close to what many would consider even OK or what CPS considered to be meeting the “minimum standards”. It was sad and eye-opening. It gave me much greater compassion for other parents and helped me to stop jumping to conclusions about whether or not someone was a “bad” or “good” parent.
That’s a hard question to answer and most people will have a unique answer. I think every parent has a little of both, it’s all about learning and growing and loving your kids no matter what.
I think parents do the best they can. Does it mean they love less if they cannot be the best parent? No way!
I LOVE THIS! You are so right, and I love reading what your FB friends and followers shared. What a powerful message for this world of parenting bashing we live in.
I think loving your children and doing what you think is right at the time makes you a good parent. As a parent we do things we think are best – some things turn out not the best – this does not make use bad – it makes us human
Parenting is a hard job. But I love being a parent and I hope I have more good days then bad days.
You are right that no one is perfect. Parenting is not easy at all. It is good not to judge others because you never know what can happen on your end.
People are so hard on themselves it seems when they’re ‘good parenting.’ It’s easy to find fault with yourself, but I think if we’re doing our best, and the fundamentals are in place (love, hugs, and ice cream of course 😉 ) then it’s going to be okay. 🙂