1 year ago today, I was 38 weeks pregnant. “Due any day,” I was also preparing myself for the very likely possibility of going way past my due date of April 1st. See, with Lizzie I was due May 27th and she was born June 5th. Even though the 2nd child usually comes faster I wasn’t going to bank on it.
1 year ago today I was seeing my midwife once a week at a birth center 45 minutes from my home. I was praying every night over my baby, asking God to please work in my body to have a successful VBAC or Vaginal Birth after Cesarean. I attended the birth classes, watched “The Business of Being Born” and read every book on birth I could get my hands on. I was focused, I was ready. I wanted to meet my baby boy the natural way and bring him to my chest immediately. I didn’t want to deal with surgery and recovery. And I wanted breastfeeding to get off to a glorious start this time.
I was so focused, but in my heart, I always prayed, “God, I know you want to keep me healthy. Please help me have this baby naturally, please! But help me to be at peace if another surgery is needed. I want to follow your will Lord, not mine. But please let me have him naturally!”
1 year ago today I had lots of people supporting my VBAC and some telling me it would be safer to get a repeat C-Section. I didn’t listen to them, looking forward to how I was going to handle labor pains and what my birth story would be. I had my son’s cloth diapers neatly packed away, his going home outfit and my birth bag all packed.
Lizzie was still nursing for comfort before bed and naptimes. I was looking forward to tandem nursing, hoping it would ease the transition of a brand new baby in her world. We were still co-sleeping and I couldn’t wait to have this baby. It consumed my thoughts and my emotions.
I had a feeling I would have 4 more weeks of waiting, and I did. I was fine with it. I was NOT fine with the countless facebook and text messages asking “baby yet? let me know!” every day. But I was also very happy that I didn’t know when he would come. I was going to have him naturally, and that meant not scheduling his arrival, letting him come when he was ready.
How and when he came actually took me about 9 months to finally come to peace about. I praise the Lord that I didn’t go through depression. I just couldn’t read a natural birth story without wanting to hurl obscenities. I couldn’t watch “A Birth Story” on TV without throwing something at the television and crying.
But today, 1 year later, I can rejoice with other natural birth moms without so much as a flicker of envy. God has healed my pain, one little baby giggle at a time. You see, every time I hear him laugh or see him pull up on things with his strong and fatty legs, I realize how blessed I am. When he snuggles in to nurse and methodically grabs his toes the same instant he latches on, I know that my dream of breastfeeding came true. He was born healthy, nurses wonderfully and I could not be more blessed!
So you want to know what happened? How did my VBAC fail?
I’ll make this short:
On April 9th after dinner, my water broke. It was just an “I think I peed my pants” not a “there is a gush of water all over the floor” kind of broke. I called my midwife and she said to get some sleep and go to the birth center in the morning. I didn’t have any contractions really but I was so excited! David was coming soon – only 8 days late! Around 2 am I had such bad contractions I had to walk around the room. They were super close together and really painful so I took Lizzie to my sister in law’s house and went to the birth center. I was checked and found to be dilated to a 2 cm! Totally no impressive. I tried to sleep the rest of the night at the birth center but it was really hard with the contractions.
On April 10th I tried everything to help him come. We did 2 rounds of castor oil. We walked around Super Walmart. I went home and nursed Lizzie. Contractions got really good and intense. That evening I was back at the birth center with very painful and very long contractions. 24 hours after my water broke I was exhausted and dilated up to a 3cm, barely.
I was getting emotionally frazzled and upset. I mentally screamed at my body, “open up! Dilate! you are running out of time!” I did every position I could think of and worked hard with every contraction. But 26 hours after my water broke so did my will. I told everyone, “I can’t go on. I am too tired to cope. I have to have a c-section. Besides, I know it isn’t safe to go much past 24 hours.” They warned me that I would regret that decision. I told him that if I wasn’t up to at least the beginning of active labor by morning I wanted surgery. I wasn’t going to be in labor longer than 3 days. I couldn’t keep my strength up that long to do the really hard work at the end.
My midwife gave me some medicine to help with the pain so I could rest. In the morning I was still only 3 cms. 36 hours of labor for 3 centimeters. I got dressed and we headed to the hospital. He was born at 9:15 am on April 11th.
My amazing, wonderful midwife help my hand when I was getting my spinal. She prayed for me before the c-section. She helped position David on my breast less than an hour after he was born and he latched on so well!
I was able to overcome my guilt, my regret, and my jealousy because of my God and his provision. He provided an angelic midwife, wonderful hospital staff. On my own, I could not have come to peace with my decision, but with my Savior and priceless support system, I can now look back at it as my birth story. The day I met my baby boy for the first time!
I know you were bummed that you didn’t get your VBAC, but it also takes a lot to get past what you want and get to what you need.
Of course, the perfect baby as an outcome makes things even better.
Thank you for sharing your story. Babies come into this world all sorts of ways and yours is just as special. I’m glad you have come to peace with it!
aw honey..
i have no kids yet.. so i can’t say i even relate, or even sorta can.. b/c i can’t…
but mainly.. i’m just glad you and baby were okay in the end!
I would like to try for a VBaC if we have another one, but I am not sure it would happen, my doctor said I could either schedule, or could wait until my water broke and then do it. She laughed, although you’d have to understand how the first one went to really get it, but anyway, point being, I may not ‘ be allowed’ to, but I would rather do as you did, and let the baby pick the day instead of a random surgeon’s day! I’m glad you came to terms with it. It took me a LONG time to come to terms with my first C section and although I would be okay with another one, it isn’t my first choice.
Thanks for sharing your store Annie! I was in labor for more than 48 hours at home although mine was off and on. It was very tiring, I understand! I didn’t know why I just couldn’t be one of the women that would have a fast hard labor and be done with it. However, the most important thing is a healthy baby in the end. I’m glad that he was healthy!
Yes, I wanted a fast labor too – wow 48 hours? Bless your heart!
Thank you for sharing Chari!
What a wonderful story to share. Thank you. Sometimes there are things we have control over and others we just have to go with the program. The important thing is that baby came into the world alive and healthy and that’s a blessing in its self. HUGS Congrats and Happy early Bday…my little guy celebrates 2 this FRIDAY
Wow, happy birthday to him!
Yes, the important thing is that they are here and healthy, you are so right!
I understand exactly how you feel. In some ways, I could have written parts of your story. My first son, Josiah, was 2 days late, when I went into labor. After being in labor for over 24 hrs of trying, his heart rate decreased and there was no choice to make- I had to get a c-section. With my 2nd I, once again, entertained the idea of a vaginal birth, but was diagnosed with placenta previa alone with a variety of other complications. At 35 wks I had a placental abruption and another emergency c-section. Looking at your little ones growing and happy slowly erases that feeling that missed something, though watching a baby story does admittedly still make me cry. You are absolutely right, though- seeing your baby happy, healthy, and growing well just makes you feel so thankful. Maybe things didn’t go as we planned, but that will probably make us even better parents for rolling with the unexpected and doing what we had to do even when it was hard to do. Thanks so much for sharing your incredible birthing story! 🙂
Wow, we really do have so much in common! You know exactly how I feel then, to look fwd to a natural birth but have physical complications that prevent it.
But good point about being able to roll with the punches – that sure is a great ability to have as a mom isn’t it?
i’m glad you had such support with either decision. I know it must have been hard. it’s so important to have a good doctor too who will support your decision even if they don’t like it. Its your body, your baby, your birth. I’m glad you guys are healthy!
I had a failed VBAC also with my daughter. She had her head wedged against my hipbone and wouldn’t turn down and I was so upset at the thought of a repeat C-section but we finally came to the decision that it was the best thing to do. With my last son they didn’t even give me the option and I was kind of upset about that… I will say the end results were pretty darn good though. 🙂
I LOVE your blog and am so glad I found it!! Great stuff here….will be back very soon.
Thanks for sharing! My second was a preemie and after a termie for my first, I felt as though I had done something wrong, that it was my fault that he came so early. I felt guilty. Going home from the hospital was really hard for me because I had to leave my baby there in NICU instead of taking him home with me. He is doing very well though and of course we are extremely happy he is strong and healthy. Which is all we can hope for. 🙂
Hugs mama!!! I know the feeling although I’ve never even thought of having a VBAC until recently. I know it would be risky now having had 3 c-sections, but hearing your story makes me know it would be safer for me and baby(if and when) if we just have another c-section. I was like you with my first. I was induced after my due date and was in labor for 22 hours with my water being broke for 16 hours. The hospital wouldn’t let me go any longer without having a c-section, and well I’d gotten to 1 cm…yup! I was so upset and disappointed, but know it was for the best. HUGS MAMA!
Awwww, thank you for the hugs!
Yes, with 3 sections you might as well install a zipper, huh?
Isn’t it frustrating to be in labor for that long with no progression? I think that was the hardest thing for me, to not see anything happening after all the work I was doing!
Thank you for sharing! It was an amazing story from an amazing woman! I don’t think I could have been that patient.
I have been thinking about having a VBAC next time around. I am torn because I really love my OB, but I was less than impressed with the local hospital.
I’m glad you had such great support and a wonderful outcome, a baby! My sis is trying for a vbac in 2 days, hoping she & the baby a safe delivery either way!
Hi There,
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Ká.Entre.Nós
http://kaestoueu.blogspot.com/
My first was breech, but I also never progressed with her. At first I thought the not progressing was BECAUSE she was breech, but now i know my body just takes forever to get through early labor.
I will be praying for you as you do your VBAC. I have heard so many successful stories of VBACS (and I can now be happy for them!)
I have tears in my eyes after reading your powerful story. What you have done is precious – the encouragement and support your words offer to post-cesarean moms is priceless. Be richly blessed as you mother your beautiful babies!
Grace & Peace to you in the name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!
Thank you for your story. I’ve had 2 c sections and my last one was 5 years ago. I’m hoping_praying for a successful vbac. Although the doctor’s scared me about a blood transfusion. I don’t want one. But they day I might need it if it becomes life or death. Now I’m not sure what to do.