We all know the golden rule, “treat others as you want to be treated.” Other variations put it this way, “love your neighbor as you love yourself.” We are taught from toddlerhood to be sympathetic and take the needs of others into account before we act.
But then, as I watch tv and read conversations on blogs and facebook, I am shocked at how much the saying “take care of #1” is pulling more weight in the moral tug-of-war than “love thy neighbor” is.
How do you take care of your own needs while also loving others better than yourself?
I am reminded continuously of a scene on Oprah. One of the many reasons I don’t watch that show anymore. She had various couples in different stages of their marraige to share their struggles and their accomplishments. One couple was in their 60s, married for around 40 some years. She asked them what the secret is and he answered with his eyes sparkling, “I love her better than I love myself. I wake up every morning and die to my own selfish desires and put her first.”
That had me in tears! I was so moved by his pure love for his wife.
It had Oprah making snide remarks the rest of the show. “Well of course your marraige survived. You die every day!”
What is so wrong with putting your spouse’s needs above your own? In a non-abusive relationship this will most of the time reap amazing rewards. Every marraige will have cliffs to climb, but being selfish and demanding your way will only create even more obstacles.
Me and my family are not perfect. We have seen the mess it makes when we put ourselves first. I have had super difficult days with the children and begged for him to leave work early. He has the world on his shoulders and can’t possibly do this. When I guilt him and get angry with him I put even more stress on his already overloaded heart and create more tension than was there in the first place. If he snaps at me and calls me insensitive for even asking him to leave early he constructs an emotional wall between us that will take double the effort to knock down.
But if even one of us reacts with a selfless attitude – let’s say me. If I call him and say, “I am exhausted, they won’t stop screaming. The house is disgusting. I know you have work to do just let me talk and I will let you go.” Then he listens and says that he wishes he could come home and but he can’t but he will try hard as he can to be home as early as possible. While not fixing anything it sure as heck is easier to overcome exhaustion and stress than exhaustion/stress/anger/resentment rolled into one!
That is a fun challenge now that I think of it. Consider it a sociological experiment of sorts. Put your needs 2nd to the needs of others and see what happens. I’d love to hear stories of selflessness triumphing. I know it doesn’t always win or bring wonderful results but when it does, those times are so amazing, your life blesses others who bless others. Let’s try to make the road smoother for others before we create more potholes.
Sometimes life isn’t that peachy keen and you can start feeling taken for granted. I think the key is to take turns being selfless/selfish. When one person needs more, you give more, when you need more, ask for more. It’s when one person feels like they are always giving and never getting anything (or in our case, like we were both giving and never getting–we’re under a ton of stress with our new house construction)… it can get ugly. The idea is to meet in the middle again, though.
You have such a good heart. I’m glad there are people like you in the world.
I’m glad you’ve said something about this topic and it can go into so many other examples other than marriage, although marriage itself is the first start. I also want to point out something else that you said. You mentioned you guilt him into doing something. As wives we must be very careful not to guilt our husbands into something, this is not godly. If we are guilting them into something then our motives are not true and honest. We also need to take a look at our attitudes about our situation and look to God for help and not guilt our husbands. Believe me, I’ve done this before, but I am now very careful about this because I feel so strongly about it.
Thanks again for the great post.
Beautifully put. You’re right-this whole “me first, me first” mentality is becoming so much more prevalent. It’s not just in marriage, it’s in life in general!! I think that we’re all guilty of this sometimes (just as you said) but it takes something special to step down and say “let’s think about YOU”. If everyone would do this the world would be a much better place.
Very well said. I totally agree with you. 🙂
I LOVE this post! This timeless advice is so true. When I gave up the idea fairly early in marriage that things had to be “even” or “fair,” I discovered something so much better. When we put each other first, then it works out that our needs are met and we feel loved and secure. Sometimes I pick up a heavier load and sometimes my husband does. We adapt to what’s going on in life and trust that we’ll be taken care of. I, too, have had those days where I’ve needed my husband to take over the minute he walks in the door despite a long day at work and there have been times when he needs some time to himself before jumping right in. We, of course, do not always get it perfect either. Sometimes we’re selfish and petty. But I love being married and I think this attitude you’re discussing is one of the main reasons why!
I do think that the world is placing more of a value on taking care of yourself instead of caring for others. The concept of doing unto others has been on the decline as people start becoming more and more selfish.
What allows people to love another more than they love themselves is to be in a relationship where they are “equally yoked” with their spouse. Balance and harmony is found when one person’s love isn’t being taken for granted or being taken advantage of. That love for one another is what helps you to feel better even if hubby can’t make it home. Because you’re feeling his understanding and love for you over the phone, even if it’s not in person. And that love can be that extra little bit to help you get through the day.
Wonderful post and thanks for sharing. 🙂
I love this post and will take it to heart. I do this quite often with my husband and I blame hormones. But if I really think about it, guilt is in my nature and I have to really work to overcome it.
I do want to say there is a time, after you have given and given, when you have to put yourself first. When your mental and physical self is in trouble then you really have to help yourself out of the situation. When you are ready, you can slowly go back to giving more.
I think putting someones needs in front of your own is fine along as it is in a healthy way I had to do it for 5 years in an unhealthy way when I was in a really bad relationship just to avoid the bad things but I think each person puts eachother first then no one is ever second really.
That does seem to be the mantra of many people these days! I live in a small town and when we drive down the road, everyone waves at everyone. We may not know them, but we just do it to be nice. When I moved to a big city for grad school I was amazed at how rude everyone was. I waved at someone just by habit and he flicked me off thinking I was doing that to him. Even when you do put others first sometimes they still expect the worst and wonder why you’d even be so nice. How did the world get this way? Why are people so paranoid and focused on themselves?
For those of us who do enjoy giving to others, all we can do is continue to give and hope that others will be influenced, too. It may not always work, but I feel good that after all of these years I still see the good in people and still want to give to others. Good for you and all the other people who do the same! 🙂
Great post!
Wonderful post! I see way too many selfish people in the world and it makes me sad. Not only as a wife but as a parent. I see so many parents putting their needs and problems in front of their kids needs and that makes me so so sad. I know a person who’s husband comes home from work, doesn’t speak to their kids, sits on the couch, and wants her to sit with him too. They basically try to pretend all evening that they don’t have three kids. I don’t even know how that’s possible! I am thankful every day for my husband and my kids but I know I have faults and think of my self sometimes too, I’m just glad it’s not to that degree. People really need to learn to love each other more, the world would be a much happier place if they could.
It kills me how much I see selfishness instead of selflessness. It really has overrun society and it is the totally wrong way to look at things. I am so happy to see that my husband and I are not alone in these feelings. It is nice to know that there are still people, you and the other commenters, who still recognize selflessness as being the goal instead of “me,me,me.”
I think there has to be a balance. And different circumstances warrant a different attitude. Of course if you’re in a n abusive relationship you put your self first…and if it’s not an unreasonable request from your kids you put them first. I don’t even think it’s a fine line. I think it’s more common sense.
Many people don’t understand that the worlds not all about themselves. Which is sad. And it’s funny that you posted this because just last night my husband and I were talking about homelessness and were recalling a story from a few years ago….he came home from work with NO winter coat and no gloves. I asked him where they were and he said, “I ran across a homeless man who was freezing. He asked me for 50 cents for a cup of coffee. “I gave him a buck, my coat and gloves and he cried.”
This is SO SO true, and I don’t think hubby and I have ever even thought of putting ourselves first. I just don’t think things would last in a marriage if you are constantly just looking out for yourself. We’ve been together 12 years, and married 6 and it’s amazing to me how much I want to do for my husband because he does so much for me. For example, I might come home from work at 2am to find our house spotless. It means so much to me. I make sure he knows how much it means, and look out for him as well, whether it be writing him a note, paying him a compliment, or just making dinner.
If being selfless is unpopular, I really don’t care. I think it works so well….thanks so much for this post 🙂
We’ve found that even just by saying, “thank you,” for things it’s really helped our relationship.
I think being selfless isn’t unpopular at all. I do think there are times to put yourself first, but also putting your spouse first is good for you, too.