I am joining Fadra with her Streaming of Consciousness Sunday post! Basically, you write for 5 minutes straight about whatever is on your heart at that moment. So I did. And I linked up over at her blog. Enjoy my crazy-midnight thoughts 🙂
My life pretty much rocks. I don’t know why I even complain. And I hate how much I raise my voice at my kids. I am scared to freaking death that I will ruin any possibility of a relationship with my daughters. I don’t yell at the baby, mind you, but my 4 year old daughter is another story completely. She gets on my nerves though. I will tell her over and over again to not pull Lucy down when she is sitting and yet she always does. This makes Lucy cry and me get irate.
Why do I lose my temper like this? How come I can’t always be patient, kind and empathetic? I am just so frustrated with her lack of listening to me. Just do what I say!
I love her, oh so much. I dream of having a close relationship with her and I hope that someday that will be a reality. I am constantly working on seeing the world through her eyes. And it overwhelms me with guilt every time I scream or show my annoyance.
She is going through so many changes, and it is stressing us both out. New bed, new school, and now ballet. Ugh. Too much all at once. But she is strong, she can get through this. I hope I don’t ruin my kids. That is my biggest fear. That somehow some way, I will do something to ruin them.
Isn’t that every mother’s worst fear?
Oh Annie – I always have that fear. The good news is that I think it takes a loooong time to screw up our kids. My recommendation is to always make sure you carve out a little special time for each kid. Even 10 minutes of devoted time can make a huge difference. Plus, remember that CAN be an annoying age (speaking as the mother of a 4 year old!)
Thank you Fadra! I have been carving out so much time with just me and Lizzie. She needs it, she really does.
My daughter is 10 months, and I too get frustrated. I do raise my voice in frustration not at her though. I often wonder if I am going to screw her up and our relationship…sigh
I don’t think we will screw up our children. Honestly, it will take more than a frustrated mama raising her voice to screw things up for good 🙂 (but I have that same fear. my head knows the answers, my heart doesn’t believe it)
I have the same fear! I am 35 weeks pregnant and am panicking about how things will work with baby#2, so my patience has mostly run thin for my 19 month old’s unwillingness to, for instance, listen, eat, or sleep. I have yelled at her and myself, I think, more in these past weeks than ever. It’s tough, but I’m getting better, I hope, by acknowledging that when I’m frustrated the best thing I can do is enlist the help of others. I have good days and bad days, but I try to make it a goal to have more good days than bad.
I went through all those emotions twice LOL Lizzie was 22 months old when her brother was born and David was 20 months old when his sister was born. You are dead on – just acknowledging it is the first step and will help you overcome your frustrations in better ways.
I think we all have this fear. I know I have yelled at A but I instantly feel horrible afterwards and trust me, we aren’t going to ruin our kids 😉
Thank you Lis! 🙂 It is so funny those “I will nevers” we say before we have kids. I for one always said “I will never yell at my kids.” AHAHAHAHA
This is a big fear of mine. I try not to yell, but sometimes, I just can’t seem to help myself! And then I feel soooo guilty! But I don’t think we are going to ruin our kids. 🙂
No, we will certainly not ruin our kids 🙂 And I know that if we always strive to do our best as mothers, our kids will flourish and we will have a wonderful relationship with them 🙂
Yes, I definitely share this fear that I will somehow ruin my kids. I maintain my patience for a long time, but when I lose it… man, is it lost! I do try to always apologize to the girls if I’ve lost it with them. It doesn’t undo my wrongs, but hopefully it’s teaching them that moms are human and make mistakes too.
I love how you said “when I lose it, man is it lost” cause I am the same way! I have to literally leave the room so I can calm down and not say something that might inadvertently hurt Lizzie’s feelings. Like in my head I am saying “do you even think before you do something” but if I say that out loud it might really affect her in a bad way.
But those thoughts are there. And they bring guilt.
I don’t think you will ruin them I think we all do the best we can do. I fear when they get out into the real world how other things will ruin them and I can’t do anything about it.
This made me cry…because I am going through the same doubt and guilt with my 2 1/2 year old. Every night I am racked with guilt over the times I raised my voice and vow to do better, only to end up doing the same thing all over again. How is it that such a little dude can get me so angry, so quickly? Ugh! I hate it every time it happens and worry about what I am teaching him.
Melisa – amazing how being a mother can make you question everything about yourself isn’t it? You are a wonderful mom! You know how I know? because you try and pay attention to how you do it. Thank you so much for this comment. It helps me feel like others are doing the same thing 🙂
New follower! Love your blog!
http://www.thesouthernfriedbride.blogspot.com
{{HUG}} Honey – I think ALL moms feel this way at some point. You are doing great, I am sure! If it’s possible, make time for alone time with each kid – go to the park or McDonalds or whatever. You will feel good because it’s time for you and that kid and they will feel like the king (or queen) of the world!! 🙂 {{HUG}}
PS: If it’s any consolation, I have very little patience. If I could change one thing about me, I would give myself more patience.
I think it really is every mother’s fear…it certainly is mine!
It will get better though. She will pass through this stage, and all the love that you give her and time spent together will be remembered. We all loose patience sometimes, but that doesn’t negate all the good moments spent together.
Sounds like me. I got so angry last week that he kept missing one of his sight words I yelled at him and the look of sadness he gave me made me want to cry. I apologized profusely but I keep finding myself doing that after yelling at him.
I don’t want him to have memories of me always yelling at him. I always feels like he thinks since the baby came along I don’t have much time or patience for him..I need to work on this. One day at a time.
Ditto! I guess it’s every moms fear. I don’t have patience with my kids and I don’t want them to grow up being scared at me. I really need to stretch my patience a lil more.
I love that you were able to open up and speak so freely about yourself Annie. So many bloggers, and mothers in general, always feel the need to put on a “constant smile” about life when in reality, it’s so false.
You are certainly not alone and I am exactly the same way. My patience has always been hardly existent and although I always figured it’d be different with my children, I was wrong. I am quick to get upset and yell. I get annoyed when the girls argue (which feels like constantly) or when they don’t share with their little brother. My oldest does NOT listen well enough for my liking and she’s in the beginning of back talk phase.
{{HUGS}} from a mom who has the same fear and needs to work on the same flaws about myself. You are not alone!
I never realized how impatient of a person I was until I had kids! My 1.5 year old has days where he drives me bonkers! It is sooooo hard to remember that he is just a baby and he is not doing these things to be bad or to annoy me, he is just genuinely curious about his world.