When it comes to parenting Lizzie and David, I am encouraged by two separate camps of parenting. Both have excellent points and both have wonderful results for them. As with every parenting issue (formula vs. breastmilk, co-sleeping vs. crib in separate room) I have to find what works for me and my kids.
What is the end goal here?
To keep my kids safe and teach them to respect my authority as well as the authority of others and be able to make wise decisions on their own.
Here are the two methods/philosophies of parenting that I am met with.
Expect instant, respectful obedience
These people believe a child should always instantly obey their parents, without question or hesitation. Obedience is required. It keeps the children safe and teaches them how to respect authority. Any questions of “why” or “but -” or obeying with a foul attitude is quickly met with discipline. Some in this group (not all) also believe in spanking as a form of discipline.
Allow kids to discuss the options and decide together
This group of people believes their way is more gentle. They believe in helping to foster a child’s decision making abilities by discussing options when they give the child a command. They offer choices and if a child is acting in a way that contrary to the task at hand, the parent will find a creative solution. Instead of “you must obey me because I am your mother,” this group believes “how can I as the mature parent help my growing child make the best decision?”
My (growing) position
I am totally stuck in between the two positions. I understand the importance of teaching my children to obey and respect me. However, I get so angry when I see them “disobey” my direct orders. I hate that feeling. I am the more mature person in those situations. I need to change my thoughts and harness my emotions. Instead of viewing Lizzie’s “no” or “why” as an insult to my authority or her being “rebellious” I need to view those moments as teaching ones. My compassion rather than my anger needs to kick in. I understand that children should obey their parents and instant obedience is needed for safety (picture kids running in the street, you can’t discuss at that moment) – however, I cannot demand instant obedience 100% of the time without feeling anger. If I view every incident – like completing chores, for example – as a teaching moment and try and see it through her eyes, then I believe we both can grow.
Where do you fall in this spectrum?
Parenting is hard sometimes and often it is about finding a balance. I agree that there needs to be a little of both. Strict obedience needs to be there for safety reasons. If your child is questioning authority during an emergency that isn’t good but I also believe that there needs to be discussion. Kids do not automatically know everything and it is our job as parents to teach them. Great post.
I agree, balance is the key! And yes, we need to teach them, and help them understand why your command as a parent is the wisest one. We don’t want our kids growing up without the ability to make good choices. The tough part is when kids take FOREVER to obey cause they are too busy asking why and trying to bargain with the parent. In those cases “just cause I said so” isn’t enough for them and I feel like it should be.
I hear you. I yell SO MUCH every darn day and it drives me nuts. Part of it is having a newborn, I just need the 3 yo to do what I need her to do and not pick on the newborn. yes, hugging and kissing can be picking if you’re doing it too hard, lol.
I too yell and hate it afterwards. And I remember when my 3 yo “smothered” her baby sister with hugs and kisses. Drove me batty!
As you said, it’s all about what works for you and for your children. What each of my kids respond to is so different that I find myself parenting them differently. Then I have to walk that fine line so that one does not think I let the other get away with more!
You bring up a very important point I didn’t make – each child needs parented differently. My daughter Lizzie has a very strong will and if I help her make good decisions she usually does. David is more apt to just obey because he wants to please me.
HERE is where I struggle. You see I EXPECT immediate obedience w/no discussion. In fact, I just told my 8 yo today that our house was NOT a democracy…but rather an authoritarian regime. I meant it tongue in cheek…mostly…but not. I yell far too often I know….but I rarely ever spank…and feel terribly if I do. I don’t think it’s too much to expect my children (who are almost 5 &8) to obey me…however I have spent MUCH time explaining why we do things and never ask them to do something that hasn’t been fully explained. Does that make sense?
That makes perfect sense Amanda! You are finding that perfect balance between teaching and explaining the reason behind your commands all while expecting obedience.
This is a constant struggle in our house. We have quirky children (and I mean that in the best of ways) and they are alike in some ways but very different in others. What works for one, doesn’t work for the other in discipline situations. We rest mostly in the ‘discussion’ realm of things. Our kids want to know the whys of EVERYTHING! It’s enthralling and humorous some times and other times, it’s downright annoying. Just do it for pete’s sake! For safety reasons, they must obey immediately though. I don’t want them standing in the middle of traffic questioning why I yelled for them to get out of the middle of the road. Often, that sort of directive comes with a very different type of vocal command that the girls seem to pick up on. Which is good. But the discussion aspect has allowed us to tell them why we expect instant obedience in certain situations. And since we’ve explained it and they’ve had their questions and answers, now they know why. Now the trick is getting them to be able to identify what is a potential safety issue and what isn’t. Granted, my girls are now 7 and 9. So they’re able to reason quite well at this point.
I am definitely in the middle with you. I’m not going to consult my children on every decision I make nor am I going to be upset when they reasonably question me. I think its a hard balance, but I don’t think either is the right direction on its own.
I definitely think the best parenting is found somewhere in the middle of the super strict and the child guided discipline methods. I expect my kids to follow the house rules but I use my discretion to teach and give extra chances when I feel that will benefit them. You have to be careful with the whole discussion idea though because the discussion you have with a five year-old and the one you will end up having when they are fourteen are two very different types of discussions. If your kids haven’t gained respect for you in their younger years, the teenage years will be torture.
I’m 3/4 instant and 1/4 talking.
When my kids were young, they had the manners and respect they needed. Then they moved in with their dad and they lost it. TOTALLY!