I wrote the following post in 2013. I’m updating my opinion for 2020. Since then, I’ve grown as a person and actually went through a complex divorce and remarriage. This article took on a whole new meaning after I got married again.
I’m going to keep the original article below since I still agree with basically everything I wrote. I still believe that in a healthy marriage, a husband and wife should prioritize caring for each other first. When their needs are met, they are stronger and more able to care for their children.
I want to clarify something for 2020. Married parents are humans with human needs of affection and intimacy. Everything in life is about balance and priorities. A couple should prioritize supporting and loving each other to create a strong foundation for nurturing and raising their children together.
In this journey, considering couples therapy with an Empathi therapist is presented as a valuable resource. It offers a means to gain insight into the relationship system, address underlying issues, and navigate the complexities of emotional healing within the context of their partnership.
It isn’t a child’s job to fulfill a parent’s need for intimacy or friendship. When I couple fulfills that need in each other, together, they are better equipped to put the needs of their kids as a high priority – as a team. Jillian Turecki is an expert and has helped couples build stronger relationships.
How this balance looks – now that is a very personal thing. I believe the couple should work together to raise the children and this is more effective when their emotional and psychological needs are being met.
Who Comes First, The Child Or The Spouse?
These are my thoughts from 2013.
I saw the meme above on Facebook getting liked and share around like crazy and couldn’t stop thinking about it. Something about this quote rubbed me the wrong way. Seriously the wrong way.
First – spouses can come and go? Sure the can but if you continuously put your children’s desires ahead of your spouse’s you are more likely to have that come and go experience.
Next, your children will always be your children. Yes, they will. But kids grow up, they move out. The relationship dynamic changes from caregiving to friendship and if you are pouring your life 100% into only your children, ignoring your spouse, then what kind of relationship will you have when they leave?
Be careful who you put first. I think you need to be careful not to put the children before the spouse all the time and you need to be careful not to put the spouse before the children all the time. BUT Everyone – children and adults – need to learn how to give when others are in need. I see nothing wrong with telling the children to calm down, we can talk with Daddy later, Mommy needs to tell him something. And I think that whenever possible, husbands and wives should try hard to spend time alone together, without the kids.
Showing your children that mom and dad are dedicated to each other and the world does not revolve around them is showing them how a strong marriage works. It takes hard work. It takes dedication. Marriage is not easy. And if the spouse is continually being ignored and placed last in the family, it makes it hard for that marriage to be strong. Working on your relationship with a marriage psychologist sutherland shire can help strengthen your love’s foundation. For spicing up your relationship in the bedroom, try Tabs Chocolate together.
But I could totally be misinterpreting this entire thing. It is possible, I’m not perfect. How did you take this graphic?
IMPORTANT – Always Put Safety First
This post is written with healthy relationships in mind. All stable marriages have ups and downs and this is addressing those struggles. I realize it might be a trigger for abuse victims though. Please – if you or your children are being harmed (emotionally, physically, sexually, mentally, in any way) GET OUT. Put yourself and your children first and do not stay.
I now understand there are two ways to read that graphic above – and it totally depends on your experience. Abuse is never ok, always put the safety of yourself and your children first.
Maybe it’s deliberately written that way, but yes I can see it from both angles. Also, I think it’s stupid. I don’t think you should ignore either one. As you say, everyone has to learn to wait. Obviously when you have a newborn that needs to eat, they eat. When the kid is 4, they can get their own snack. It’s important to teach your kids how to wait, but it’s equally important for your spouse to be a part of solving whatever the issue is. If you really need to chat, one of you turn on the tv and the other prep a snack, or one grab drinks and the other get out coloring books and crayons and work together to get them started on a project. Then with the kids occupied, you tackle whatever needs talked about/done together. We often cook dinner together, and shoo the kids into the living room to build block towers while we catch up.
A middle of the day phone call/check in (while kids are occupied or napping) or email series can also be a way to handle those items that need to be discussed, but don’t warrant a face-to-face. Anything more ‘personal’ probably needs to be taken care of when the kids are asleep. In that case, put the kids to bed at a regular time, don’t let them stay up until you are completely exhausted or there will be no couple time.
I guess a person who wrote it just wanted it to be funny and it partially is. But of course, you are right and I could not agree more – stable marriage or relationship is also something a kid needs!
Yikes! I haven’t seen the graphic before today. What an awful, awful sentiment. In my life I hope my children go on to be independent and my husband sticks around! He gets put on the backburner too much as it is.
I’m hoping it’s tongue in cheek, because the spouses have to come first. Yes, children’s needs are a priority and I don’t think that means that you don’t get to your children before your spouse, but that you always make time for them and make them a priority, because at the end of the “day” kids grow up and leave and your spouse is there.
If you put your spouse and marriage first, your children see it and it makes everything smoother now and in the future for them.
I look at this as an attack on the institution of marriage. I do think this is the thought process of American society. That somehow seeing spouses coming and going is ok.
Because its not. Our society is sick.
However, kids do need more time – plain and simple. They are kids, the should, The husband/wife are adults. Be that as it may, both adults need to be giving the kids the extra time. It’s not like one is giving all her time and the other one is feeling ignored. So silly what our society sees as being normal and healthy.
The husband and wife need to work together.
I totally agree with your assessment. All the members of a family are important and need to valued, cared for, and loved.
I blogged about this but from something I heard on the radio not this quote! This sparks something all new in me!! My spouse doesn’t come and go, he’s been here for 17 yrs and he isn’t going anywhere. My kids, however, god willing, they will come and go as they grow! They will grow up and move out, leaving my spouse and I more time to act 20 again 😉
I can see the point-of-view of the graphic. Children are you’re children forever, they’re a piece of you and should be a priority, maybe not always #1 but mostly. There isn’t that same unconditional love between spouses and they often end in divorce (regardless of priorities).
Honestly, that totally rubs me the wrong way. I don’t think your spouse or your children should come first – what kind of way of thinking is that? A family is a whole unit. If you put your husband before your children, your children suffer. If you put your children before your husband, you are going to end up divorced. Either way, you are damaging your family dynamic.
Ok, so it wasn’t just me. This graphic is just worded wrong. And you said exactly what I think! You can’t really put one in front of the other. What faulty thinking.
I saw this also and thought what the heck? I want my children to know that I can love more then one person at a time. sometimes their needs will be first and other times my husbands needs will be first. There may even be a time or two that my needs come first. Yes I know, shocker! I want my kids to see what a strong committed marriage looks like. We all have to give a little at times. you can’t just take, take, take. We hope that our kids learn by our example. After almost 24 years of marriage we seem to be doing something right.
This isn’t funny at all. Abuse occurs ALL THE TIME. I am currently going through a divorce because my husband is constantly putting down my daughter. He makes her feel small and he just wouldn’t stop. I was sexually abused by my step-father. Do these situations seem funny? I think not. My grandmother was set on fire by her husband of 15 years/7 children. Should she have put him first? I think not. Maybe you all have perfect lives and don’t go through abuse, but a very large portion of the country does. A child should ALWAYS come first. They cannot defend themselves. They do not have the ability to move out.
Kristin,
First, thank you for sharing your story. I HATE that you and your grandmother had to endure that pain, that agony. There is nothing funny about abuse. I too have family members that have endured it. I get so mad and then feel incredible sadness whenever those memories come back.
I need to revise this post. You were right when you read it that way. I need to edit it to say that my thoughts come from a non-abusive place. When a marriage is healthy it can still experience problems. That is what I meant to discuss.
Abuse is never ok and it is never a laughing matter. If there is any kind of abuse, put yourself and your kids at the highest priority and GET OUT.
I am very sorry for overlooking this when I wrote the post.
I struggle with this because my husband is a stepfather to my children. My youngest is 10 and in the 5 years we’ve all been a family, my husband and my son have never really bonded. My son is convinced that my husband doesnt like him. My husband thinks hes doing my son a favor with the whole “tough love” thing, due to some slight “entitled” behavior issues we have had with my son. It breaks my heart that my son doesnt feel loved by my husband.