As I read about the death of poor Hana, it brought back images and emotions. You see, Larry and Carri Williams – adopted parents of Hana – followed “To Train Up A Child” by Michael and Debi Pearl. They followed it too closely, too strictly.
I read that book. Before Lizzie was born I read it and prepared for parenthood, armed with the old adage, “Spare the rod or spoil the child.” I was going to have a well disciplined child that respected me, I was not going to have a spoiled brat of a child.
Let me get a few things straight here: I am not against spanking. I am not even 100% against this book (pretty much, but not 100%, I will explain later). I am here to share my story and only my story because that is the only story I know to tell.
My parenting philosophy when Lizzie was born was, “I am the parent. She is the child. She must learn to obey and submit to me all the time.” The book is drenched in this philosophy. Nowhere does the book talk about child development. Children are either submissive or rebellious. Period.
Then, I soon discovered that God gave me a child that knew herself, her needs, and would stubbornly not give up until her needs were met. But at the time I saw it as rebellion. In a baby.
This is the quote from chapter 9 that I tried to follow in my stubborn daughter that refused to sleep at 10 months old.
When your baby is tired and sleepy enough to become irritable, don’t reinforce irritability by allowing the cause and effect to continue. Put the little one to sleep. But what of the grouch who would rather complain than sleep? Get tough. Be firm with him. Never put him down and then allow him to get up. If, after putting him down, you remember he just woke up, do not reward his complaining by allowing him to get up. For the sake of consistency in training, you must follow through. He may not be able to sleep, but he can be trained to lie there quietly. He will very quickly come to know that any time he is laid down there is no alternative but to stay put. To get up is to be on the firing line and get switched back down. It will become as easy as putting a rag doll to bed. Those who are MOSTLY consistent must use the switch too often. Those who are ALWAYS consistent come to almost never need the switch.
“Get switched back down.” I tried it. Imagine if you will, trying to do cry it out with a switch. I tried. Have you ever tried cry it out? I remember my nerves being completely shot from her tears, her screams. When she would not sleep I took it as rebellion and the need for a spanking. But the core of this book also says that parents must never loose their calm, their patience.
Here is the problem with me and this book: I can’t spank without losing my calm. I simply cannot. I feel emotional. And doing cry it out, I felt like I was at war with a demanding baby – and a losing one at that! What kind of mother cannot control her baby? She must learn to obey me or else I am not doing my job.
I spanked Lizzie once for not sleeping. She screamed even louder. I waited and spanked her again. More screams. I was at a loss. To give in and nurse her would “reward her complaining” as the book put it. But eventually I could not handle the tears and screams. I nursed her to sleep, my pulse racing, my guilt overwhelming. I did not want to feel this way about my baby.
And yet there were other instances just like it. I took this one pretty literally (from page 9)
At four months she was too unknowing to be punished for disobedience. But for her own good, we attempted to train her not to climb the stairs by coordinating the voice command of “No” with little spats on the bare legs. The switch was a twelve-inch long, one-eighth-inch diameter sprig from a willow tree.
I decided that behavioral training was the way to instill in her the respect she must have for her parents. I remember sitting at home with my 7 month old Lizzie who was crawling at the time. I let her try to crawl to the stairs and said no and spanked her bare legs each time. No redirection, no doing things at her level. It was all just behavior training, trying to teach her to respond to my voice and respect what no meant. But, again, my temperament didn’t work. My baby was very curious and very stubborn. I started to feel angry at her lack of submission!
So what happened? Why did you stop parenting by the Pearl book?
Because of my parenting gut. Because deep inside, I knew Lizzie was just like me and I was never rebellious, just inquisitive and needing someone to understand me, not rule me. And also because I was scared of how it felt when I spanked my children. Some people might be able to spank without feeling angry, able to separate their emotions from the situation and be serene and loving yet firm. That is not me. I feel like these bulls:
So I spoke with family. I spoke with friends. I read more and more books until I found one that finally brought peace to my motherly instinct and helped me do my job as a mother: Love my children, teaching them to be who God created them to be and to strive for excellence. My life is not a war against my children, constantly trying to bend their will to mine. I now view it as a journey, a relationship. I am nowhere near a perfect parent nor do I have all the answers. But I do know that I had to begin using consequences I could follow through with that did not result in me expressing anger physically.
This book is not for me.
Who is this book for? Shouldn’t it be burned?
I don’t know for sure. Anyone that knows me knows I am the farthest thing from a judge. I just wanted to share my story. I hope that if parents are hurting their children in the desire to “break their will” and finally create submission, they will just stop! Please, read the book for yourself and decide what you think.
Wow, Annie, thanks for sharing. I think as first time parents, we want SO BADLY to “do it right” that sometimes people ignore the maternal instincts God gave us in favor of a book or a “recipe”. I’m glad you listened to your heart and changed. It is so horribly sad to read stories like the one in the news, I cannot IMAGINE what a parent would be thinking to go to those lengths.
I’m glad that you were able to listen to your gut, so many parents can not or refuse to do so. I think parenting by ANY book is a bad idea. With 4 kids I know that each one has required different parenting from us-so I really don’t believe that there is ever a ‘right’ way-just what works for you and your child. We should also not feel guilty for learning as we go-this parenting gig is SO challenging and we are all doing our best.
Thank you Kelly! And yes – following a book 100% without listening to your gut is always a recipe for disaster! Every child is different. “Parenting with Love and Logic” had some amazing ideas that helped with Lizzie and Super Nanny had some ideas that worked for David. Basically, I take ideas and work with my kids where they are at, not try to fit my kids into an ideology at all costs.
Jo-Lynne, you are so correct. We DO want to do everything perfect – our love for our children compels us to do all we can! And then we have this HUGE guilt of “if I don’t follow this idealogy 100%, I might be an awful mother and it will be MY fault they grow up to be….______” (fill in the blank)
As far as what the parent must be thinking? I am like you – I can’t even imagine what that might be. Not at all.
I agree with Jo-Lynn that we want so badly to do parent in the right way. We don’t want to “mess up” our children. We want to parent as the bible says. But, there book are still written by human people. The authors who only God knows their hurts and their heartaches. Books can provide guidance, but know one has the perfect answers. Plus, as a Nutritonal Therapist I see all the time that food can make so much difference as well in the behavior of our children. It is a delicate blance of love, discipline, nurturing and feeding healing foods. How heartbreaking of what can happen when a method is taken too far.
I haven’t read this book. I don’t know if it is for anyone or not. But, after reading your words it is hard to say that anyone should use it. Children need to explore in order to learn. I don’t have parenting all figured out myself. It is a hard hard job. Let me know if you find something with all the answers. 😉
Thank you Becky for reminding me (and everyone) that this book is NOT the Bible and it was written by fallible humans. There are nuggets in it that I still pull from – we must submit to God and respect authority – but I cannot and will not follow it to the letter.
There are so many books that have lovely insights into how children think and see the world. My favorites so far are:
1. Parenting With Love and Logic
2. Shepherding a Child’s Heart
3. How to Make Your Child Mind Without Losing Yours
Those are wonderful, caring, graceful books. The first one was a blessing to me and my stubborn oldest!
I haven’t read this book, but it definitely sounds like it is NOT a book for me (us).
we didn’t start any sort of punishment until the kids ‘knew’ better. you could start seeing it in their eyes when they did stuff on purpose.. maybe 18 months? we went through all the other things at toddler stages, saying no, removing from situation, etc. etc. but we do spank. it doesn’t feel good, but I don’t think it’s supposed to. it’s a last resort, but it does work. definitely not for little babies though. never heard of that!
I agree with you Jill. Spanking as a last resort can be an effective form of discipline. But there are more wrong ways to do it than right. The best way is to never spank out of anger. This is why I hardly ever spank my kids. I can’t remove my emotions enough.
Thanks for a great story. I believe in spanking too. But you know I have 5 grandchildren that live here with me and the oldest is 13 and I have never spanked one of them. Now my daughter when she was growing up got spankings and she turned out to be a wonderful person. As far as the book, I would toss it.
Thank you for sharing your story with me Debbie 🙂 Spankings, when done right, can definitely teach a respect for authority and help the children understand the boundaries. And the most important thing about spanking (as you well know) is that it isn’t one size fits all. Not every child will have to be spanked 🙂
Thank you for sharing this and being honest with your readers. I have to say I don’t believe there really is any book worth any merit that can teach a parent how to raise their children. Each child is different and so much more complex than submissive or rebellious. I did use the cry it out method with my 2nd child. It was pure torture for me for a good 3 hours, then he finally went to sleep. Each night thereafter, it kept getting better until he realized I was not coming into get him. Of course, all his needs were met, with the exception of wanting to stay with me.
By the way, I absolutely LOVE your website name. My husband’s nickname for me is Dweeb.
Thank you Shannon! I agree with you – there is no ONE book to solve for every child. I have read a few with some great ideas and inspiration and used them….but not like a manual ya know? Cry it out worked for your son, it has never worked for my kids. Co sleeping works for me, it does NOT work for others. Parenting is a beautiful, one of a kind art, not a science with a formula.
And HI to a fellow DWEEB!! How awesome!
Thanks for sharing this post, Annie. I just heard about the book this week and I am simply horrified. I don’t understand going against maternal instincts at all. I love how Jo-Lynne said God gave them to us, why ignore it? Babies are just so little and don’t understand. Sometimes with my 9 month olds, I sit there in awe and say my little girls have only been on this earth for 9 months. Such a short period of time, how are they supposed to know stuff like the word no?
Thank you Melissa! Yes, God gave every mother a gut! An instinct. I believe this book was written with pure motives, it just has so many errors in it 🙁
Thanks for sharing your story! I was raised with this “submission or rebellion” mindset, and I can confirm that for myself and my three siblings – all very different – it did not work. My older sister ran away at age 14 after being sent to live with my grandparents because she and my mom were exactly like those bulls 24/7. My two younger siblings basically did whatever they wanted, manipulating the system and my mother’s guilt to get their way. I became a peacekeeper. Outwardly submissive, but with hidden problems and emotional issues that I’m still discovering now at age 30.
That said, I do sometimes spank my kids (one light swat on the bum to get their attention, not to hurt them). I need to learn better ways to guide and direct my stubborn son so that I don’t need to resort to spanking him. I have a lot to learn about parenting, as do all parents.
Thank you for sharing that with me Jo. I remember being that stubborn “strong willed” child. I remember hearing my mother tell me that to “live long in the land” I have to “submit and obey” the authority God put over me. I was always in trouble for “talking back.” But you see, I remember clear as day thinking in my room, “I have ideas. I have thoughts. I can’t wait to be a grown up so I can have the right to live them.”
Now my super stubborn daughter is 6.5 years old. I know we have a very very long road ahead of us, but I am listening to her thoughts. I am letting her experiences the natural consequences of making her own choices whenever possible. (I’ve been known to be the crazy mom that has let her child play in the snow in short sleeves until she ran inside to dress appropriately)
I relate to your peace keeping experience! That was me too!! I learned early how to be a people pleaser on the outside. 100% submission is never the answer. I don’t want my kids to think they have to please people to succeed.
I’m a Christian Mom and a firm believer in God’s word. However, in the case of beautiful Hana, I believe her adoptive parents failed to use Godly discernment. With salvation comes the Holy Spirit, the Holy Spirit leads us to proper discernment. In the case of Hana, I think her parents put more emphasis in a man-made book when their actions should have reflected that of the Lord. You did the right thing. Follow after the Lord, and He will direct your path and that includes how you should go about disciplining your children and training them up in the way they should go in Him. God Bless. : )
Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 23:13
Do not withhold correction from a child,
For if you beat him with a rod, he will not die.
Thank you for your kind and wise words Melissa 🙂 I agree with you 100%. Yes, when someone is truly living for Christ, they have the Holy Spirit and know beyond the shadow of a doubt if they are following HIS guidance or not. So true, so very true. I don’t believe it is the fault of the Pearls and that is why I didn’t link to a petition circling the internet or ask my readers to revolt against this book. No, instead I want everyone to read this book with a pure heart and in prayer, taking the bits of teaching that inspire them and leaving the rest. Unless a book is the Bible, it is fallible, but can be used for inspiration 🙂
Amen Annie! You are truly one wise mama. Thanks so much for sharing. : )
I do not believe in spanking AT ALL. Where is the fine line between spanking for “discipline” and abuse? Is it 2 spanks? Ten? No-one knows. We tell our children not to hit, then we turn around and hit them. What is the message we’re sending? From my view, spanking teaches our children to fear us. I have never wanted my boys to fear me. I wanted them to respect me and grow to be conscientious, compassionate people who follow rules. Logical consequences are what worked for me.
I respect this position Alexandra. I understand where you are coming from, but I respectfully disagree. There IS a fine line between discipline and abuse and it lies in the composure of the parent and the atmosphere of the action. This is one reason I can’t spank, and I know this about myself. For it to be effective and NOT abusive, it has to be done when the parent is calm, composed and peaceful. NO ANGER. The book “Shepherding A Child’s Heart” has a TON of good info about how to spank properly.
That being said – you are not a bad parent if you spank and you are not a bad parent if you choose not to spank. As you know, some parents can be “abusive” through neglect and raising spoiled children. What makes a GOOD parent is one that loves and cares and instructs and guides – spanking or not.
Traditional sharing expects kids to give up something the instant someone else demands. Yet we don’t do this ourselves. Imagine being on your cell phone when somebody suddenly comes up and asks for your phone or takes it from you. “I need to make a phone call,” he says. Would you get mad? As adults, we expect people to wait their turn. We might gladly lend our phone to a friend or even a stranger, but we want them to wait until we’re done. The same should apply to kids: let the child keep a toy until she’s “all done.” It’s turn-taking. It’s sharing. But the key is it’s child-directed turn-taking.
I haven’t heard of this book, but I’m not sure that I would actually want to read it. Every child is different, however, I do not believe in spanking. In a way, I believe it’s a form of “violence” and showing them violent behavior that they will turn around and do themselves on a sibling or friend.
You agree with Alexandra (comment above yours). I respect your view. But I also know that if done correctly (read my comment above yours) children will know the difference between spanking and violence. Properly done, spanking is not hitting, it is not done in anger. (I am not able to separate my emotions from spanking so I just stopped spanking. I’ve seen other parents able to be calm though)
We also tried to follow TTUAC when our oldest was a baby but it never felt right to us either. Looking back now, seven years later, with (hopefully) more parenting wisdom and more knowledge, I strongly disagree with the Pearl’s views on parental authority. I do believe that parents have authority over their children and that children should obey their parents and I think that spanking can be appropriate when children are small but the Pearl’s take it too far. Parents are not meant to be tyrants over their children. Children are a gift and a big part of that gift is the fact that they make their parents get over themselves!
The other thing that I really disagree with is the idea of treating children like stubborn mules who need to be broken. I think that ignores the fact that everyone is born with dignity as a person. If I put my baby down for a nap and then realize that he just woke up I have to go and admit my mistake and apologize to him. It doesn’t matter that he is 8 months old, his dignity demands it. It’s not OK to have so little regard for your child’s feelings that you would wait until he’s absorbed in something and then make him get up and come to you SIMPLY to exercise your “authority” over him. Bleh. I’m thankful we saw the light quickly with it all and that you did to.
Thank you for sharing your story here Mary. You and I feel the same way about the authoritative view of the Pearls. That is exactly what made me unable to carry out their points in their book. When I expected complete obedience from my daughter and she failed to give it, I felt indignation and frustration so strongly, and it caused many issues.
But when I started to view my role is shepherding her heart, praying for her and learning what is important to HER and how to help her grow into the strongest woman God made her to be, I felt more love, more peace!
I agree with your explaination of babies being born with dignity. Great point!
Way cool! Some very valid points! I appreciate you
penning this write-up and the rest of the site is also very good.