I’ve been having a hard time as a mommy lately. Some might call me wimpy or weak considering I only have one almost three year old. Some might call me ridiculous or self centered. Outside opinions aren’t important. Feelings are felt, and must be dealt…With.
I think the biggest problem I’ve had is my daughter’s unrelenting demands. I want, I need, my turn, I don’t want to, I don’t like it, and on and on and on until I just want to run away. Every time she would place a demand on me, I would try to be a “good parent” and explain. No, you can’t have scissors because you don’t have enough motor control to use them safely. No, you can’t play with the ceramic horse because you’ll break it. No, you can’t have cookies for breakfast, and so on and so on. And every time I’d explain, she’d just come back with the same question, or find a new one, or whine. I would get more and more exasperated until the point of yelling at her. She’d cry, I’d feel terrible and after she got over it, the entire cycle would start over again. It doesn’t make for the best relationship. That’s not how its “supposed” to be.
In the midst of mulling over the aforementioned situation, a quote from my past popped into my mind like it was placed there. It was from an ABA training session at my old place of employment.
This was tied into a lesson saying don’t use more words than your student uses, but I think the quote standing alone applies quite well to typical children. I decided to put it to the test and this morning, I gave my kiddo the “silent treatment.”
It’s important to remember that this “silent treatment” is not out of anger, malice, or with a desire to hate on your kiddo. Its simply a period of time where you don’t use words to communicate with your kid. No giving orders, no directions, just a time of pure antecedent-behavior-consequence living. When I felt approving of my daughter, I laughed with her, gave her hugs, hi fives, a kiss, or whatever it was she had asked for.
Things that garnered disapproval were ignored. When she did something destructive or dangerous, I just physically removed her from the situation. If she asked for something she couldn’t have, I ignored her. The first 10 minutes were just like any other day. I want, I need, can I, pweeeeeeeeese!!! But after ignoring her she seemed to catch on (after a few, short lived tears), and stopped talking so much herself. Her requests became fewer and further between. She simply watched, participated, and was pleasant to be around. The change in her behavior was amazing!
But perhaps even more amazing was the change I noticed in myself. When I wasn’t busy thinking up the next direction I was going to give her, or wasting all of my time feeling exasperated, I really enjoyed all of the cute little toddler things she did. I enjoyed her laugh again, and her cute little voice. I felt almost the same way I felt the day I had her. Pure, joyous love for this engaging little person, which is how parenting should feel. As I stood there pondering what I had stumbled on, it got me thinking about God, and how our father seems to favor the silent approach with us. When we pray, he doesn’t come out of the sky with a big resounding answer. God simply responds with an affirmative, or doesn’t. When God’s answer is no, if we keep asking, he doesn’t launch into a long, please-forgive-me explanation about why. Its a very simple, clear approach to dealing with requests. It also allows the child to figure out why not on their own, or to reflect on how important that request is. It allows the parent to enjoy seeing their child blossom into a more aware person. For instance, my daughter will hear a sound and always asks “what’s that” even when she knows already. During “Silent Time” she asked and I didn’t respond, which left her to use reasoning skills to figure it out. I wondered how much I had robbed her of practicing deductive reasoning skills by always answering her “silly” questions. Wouldn’t it show more love to have her figure it out on her own and celebrate her achievements together than to continually underestimate her?
Seeing the change in my child and myself left me, once again, in amazement of the sheer brilliance of how life operates. I am continually humbled by the revelations offered to me. I plan to make every morning “Silent Time” and even maybe implement it into my marriage. After all, it is said that only 10% of our communication is in our words, the rest is all tone and body language. For me, anyway, I think its time to stop making the words do more than their fair share.
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