When will it happen? When will I have that “I don’t care what anyone thinks” attitude? I can verify, the older I become, the less I care. But I have not reached that point yet.
Deep inside, I am still very insecure. I am still the little girl on the playground, hoping someone picks me to play house or be their best friend. As I walk around my office, I am acutely aware of my flaws – my tummy, my lopsided smile/eyes (thanks Bells Palsy), the errors I make.
Before I state my opinion, I phrase it in a way that will be the least likely to create disagreement and very quickly change my stance if someone questions it.
I thought 30-year-olds had more confidence! Where is mine?
I know my strengths. Logically, I know my ideas have value and I ought to stand up for myself. The only problem is, I don’t do it. I would rather have people like me than not. I hate risking their esteem and would rather acquiesce.
It is the same with everything – my fashion, my opinions. I do not stand up for what I think because I just want to keep the peace.
Of course, this part of me is really a huge strength. If you think about it, I am a peace keeper, a mediator. I am a professional “jets cooler.” I can take a huge argument and create understanding. I can see all sides of a dispute, communicate the feelings and thoughts to everyone involved and create a solution.
But dang, someone give me some gumption! Not that I want to start to swing over in to selfishness. Just empowerment!
I’m a bit older than you and now I can say I have some days where I’m comfortable and other days I’m still insecure. I’m hoping it will all stick soon and the insecurities will finally disappear for the both of us.
Yes – for both of us! I have heard people say they really don’t care what people think. But that can’t be true 100% of the time. I just hope I can get my “don’t care” attitude to carry over at least 75% of the time.
I’m in my late 20’s. Right now, I’m the same as you. I have more confidence than I did five years ago, but I still struggle with acceptance from others. I don’t think you will ever not be that way though. But, I agree the older you get the less you care what others think.
Exactly. I am more confident now than I was in my teens….but I have not improved much since my college years.
It just keeps getting better! Especially if you are surrounded by family you love and are doing things you enjoy. The rest just becomes “small stuff”. At 35 I am more comfortable, confident and know what I like and don’t like. I am okay with liking sci-fi, wearing modest clothing and letting my hair be curly. Sounds like you are already rockin’ the mediator personality and that may also make you a people pleaser. Don’t mistake this with a lack of confidence. 🙂
Thank you Andrea!! SO MUCH!! You are right – I can rock my mediator personality and I should NOT discount it as a weakness. I needed to hear that 🙂
My dad was just like that. In fact when talking about him at the funeral, the theme was that he was a “peacekeeper”. He hated controversy, so I totally see where you’re coming from. Sometimes it’s just easier to quietly keep your peace rather than fight the fight.
Precisely. I love creating peace and finding common ground. This is also why I am the WORST salesperson EVER.
It goes like this:
Customer: “These are so expensive…..”
Me: “I know what you mean. How about we find a discount….”
hahahahah!!! Yeah…companies don’t like that much 🙂
I agree with Tesa. I have days where I’m totally comfortable, and then I have days when I feel insecure. I wish there were some formula or mantra that would help us all find a little more empowerment.
I definitely am still secure, but a lot less now, then when I was younger. You look fabulous Annie!!!
Thanks Kim! You rock for brightening my day 🙂
Someone said something to me that totally empowered me and changed my life. How much care are these people showing you? Why do you bend over backwards for someone who does not do the same for you? As a people pleaser that idea completely blew my mind. Then I got angry. Why WAS I bending over backwards for people who were not always kind to me? I was also empowered when I would pretend to be playing a role. Eventually that person became me, instead of just a role. I find that people like me better when I am truly me, instead of when I am chasing after them, trying to get them to like me. It is a hard process, though!
ooohhhh I love the idea of “playing a role” until that role becomes you. Thank you so much!
And you make another fabulous point. When we (people pleasers) go the extra 5 miles to please people that don’t give back, it is fruitless! The book Boundaries helped me sooooo much with that. But as you can tell I am still working on it.
You and I are too much alike, Annie. So far, 30 hasn’t given me much more courage or security. I just care too much about other people’s opinions.
I’m closer to 40 than to 30 and I think with age, I am more and more confident! But, believe me, I still care what others think, just not as much!
Annie,
I think you are a fabulous person just as you are! I tend to have the same type of personality but it has grown easier and easier over the years just to say “It’s who I am” (still working on the “It’s what I believe part” ;)). Maybe it’s supposed to be this step by step process instead of a sudden breakthrough?
And, I definitely chose you for a best friend many, many years ago 🙂
Don’t Apologize As a Ploy to Get Out of Arguing If you’re afraid of conflict, you may be someone that apologizes quickly in order to avoid an argument. While maintaining peace is a worthy goal in a friendship, if you’re consistently apologizing without talking through the underlying issues for your disagreement, it could create an unbalanced relationship.
I became more self-confident and secure when I turned 30, but it was because of my life experiences, not just because I could blow out 30 candles. You become strong when you do hard things.