This is such a tricky tight rope. Keeping your balance between giving of yourself and keeping enough resources to give to your home, husband and children and keeping enough to give to yourself.
As a Christian, I am taught to “do unto others” and “turn the other cheek.” But as the book “Boundaries” (by Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend) so eloquently states, there are limits that must be respected.
And that my dear friends, is the tight rope we all so delicately walk. Constantly giving at every call. And the minute you start living for yourself, you fear you are falling into selfishness.
Where is that balance? How do you care for your emotional, mental and physical health – and that of your husband and children and house – without feeling like you are failing at caring for the world?
Is it possible that it is your own family that is most important at this brief season of life? That maybe feeling guilty for only giving selflessly to your husband, children and home should be totally dismantled?
I believe so. It is possible to give so much of yourself that you go on the brink of emotional instability.
Self-lost love is when you give and love and try and at the end of the day, you don’t have enough to give to those that need it most.
Selflessness is thinking of others before yourself. It is giving when a need arises and acting sacrificially.
Empowered giving is giving when you know what you have to give and knowing when you need to direct them to someone else that can help more. It is helping people by giving your best to them and giving the best of other resources to them when you know you do not have it. It is being a good steward of your emotional budget and not maxing out the credit card of sanity, so you always have more to give the next time.
Selfishness is the lack of giving and presence of self-fulfillment instead. It is not selfish to direct someone’s needs to available resources when you do not have it yourself. It is not selfish to give 100% to your husband, children, home and yourself and feel like you have nothing left to give others.
Oh Annie, I struggle with this a lot. I do SO MANY THINGS because I want to help all the people, and solve all the problems. In community group a few weeks ago, my pastor made a point to say, “Life doesn’t slow down at all unless you pump the brakes.” I’m pretty sure he was saying that for my benefit, because he’s seen severely burnt out because I want to give so much of myself.
But, I also have to help myself. I can’t help anyone if I can’t take care of me. I think the tightrope line to walk, though, looks different for everyone. I can’t offer much to the causes I support financially, but I can offer a bit of my time and my skills. At the same time, I have others who need me. My employers. My friends. My family. My boyfriend. My pets. I can’t be everything to everyone, but I can be something as long as I take care of my necessities.
I’m rambling. Only because I love this post so much, and I empathize with the conundrum so deeply. Keep up the great work, Annie. You’re wonderful.
Thank you for sharing your heart, Kelly! And you are right. This tight rope is so different for every single person. Some are uber givers, some (because of pain) find themselves not giving enough. That balance is so hard….so very very hard. But yes, if we cannot take care of ourselves, we certainly cannot have anything to give others.
Great post! I think all mothers, women, humans struggle with this. It is about balance. Thanks for sharing!!
Oh, that’s a tough one. Especially for moms – the feeling of guilt whenever you do something “just for meself” is devastating.
I guess it takes years to embrace it and to find the middle route!
what a deep and very inspiring post!
xo,
Sandy
Sandy a la Mode
: Show your love and affection to her as often as possible. Every woman is a sucker of affection. If you only give them that stuff to get to bed, your wife is going to notice and think it’s insincere. A good husband will appreciate his wife and will notice her, even after twenty or fifty years of marriage. She needs you to notice when she gets that new haircut or dresses up in something sexy for you to come home to. If you fail to notice what she is doing for you too many times, she may just count it as fruitless and quit. Gift your Partner something fancy when she least expects it. Surprise her by planning a trip, preparing a nice dinner, giving a bunch of her favorite flowers or taking her out for shopping. Every Woman likes to be pampered. Women, one way or the other, are nothing but over grown babies who constantly need care. But every woman has their likings, give things what she likes instead of forcing your likes on her and show her that you care and would be always there for her. Never forget the special days in her life. Make an effort to initiate spontaneous affection with your wife. Build the companionship by doing things together whether it is a common interest or hobby. Give her a hug or surprise kiss and tell her how much you love her. Hold hands with her when you’re out together. These small gestures show your wife that you’ve thought of her and help you reinforce your commitment to your wife.
You are to develop yourself gradually, centering upon love. While the husband loves the wife and the wife lives for the sake of the husband, they are to establish a family that loves God.